i deliberately looked for this essay in the files i was able to salvage from my good ol’ PC when i was in college. am posting it here coz once more, i could find myself being able to relate to the stuff i wrote 6 yrs ago (yep, it’s been that long).
at least now, a different guy is involved…doesn’t that at least indicate some progress on my part? haaay, am just finding out that i never really did learn – being the stubborn person that i am. i seem to have this knack of getting infatuated with guys who don’t like me back – while being a creepy guy / simply mr. wrong magnet on the side. totoo yata kasi talaga yung smokey mountain song na yon eh, “nakakalito ang mundo, kung sinong mahal mo, siyang ayaw sa yo…” and i bewail this fate of mine. when am i ever gonna have that happy ending?
anyway, enough of what i’m feeling right now. here goes my 6-year-old essay…maybe you too could relate…
LESSONS LEARNED FROM UNREQUITTED LOVE
it’s strange to note that the same things keep on happening and happening…and unless you learn from the lessons these things bring about, it’s a sure thing that you would see similar events happening again in the future.
i have avoided my diary for almost a year now, and when i finally did open it today, i found out that what i’m going through right now (trying to get over this boy) was the exact same thing i went through a year ago. talk about dejavu’! only this time, the pain is so much more worse…and i absolutely abhor this fact.
i guess this thinking in retrospect has been trigerred by the dream i had last night. i dreamt that i was talking to the bestfriend of the girl boy likes. in my dream, i asked daw the girl’s bestfriend kung may pag-asa ba si boy kay girl. she said, “oo meron.” hearing that (even in my dream!) may have been the reason why i am not feeling that well and am even unusually antisocial today. di ko alam kung psychosomatic ba ang pagsakit ng ulo ko or what. but anywayz kahit dream lang yon, it opened my eyes to reality and to the following lessons:
1. THERE’S NO USE HOLDING ON TO SOMEONE OR SOMETHING WHICH IS NOT EVEN YOURS IN THE FIRST PLACE. the thought of us is but a dream of mine, which could even be a nightmare to him.
2. LETTING GO IS A PROCESS, NOT SOMETHING WHICH TAKES PLACE IN A SPLIT-SECOND. even though you think all the hurt has already hit you, and you have finally made the decision to let go, there are times when your heart wanders on occassion to the memories that you’ve shared with the person and to the hopes and dreams that you’ve built on sand – sandcastles that reality’s tide has time and again threatened to wash off and destroy. but then you remember to stop living in that fantasy world (a.k.a. the past) to face the more pressing matters of life. as you overindulge yourself in the real state of affairs, you somehow forget the lesson which was supposedly learned with all the hurt. thus, the same things happen all over again. only this time, you fall and are hurt with a bigger thud. and each time this happens, you realize you never really learned from that mistake after all.
as for the pain, days, weeks, or months (sometimes even years) will pass. after quite some time, you’ll think you have already recovered, and that your heart has long since healed from its wounds. but time and again, as it wanders back to those memories, you’ll find out that…
3. TIME DOESN’T REALLY HEAL WOUNDS, IT JUST MAKES THINGS EASIER TO BEAR. each time you feel the pain, the throbs would just lessen in intensity until it comes to a point when you would eventually even feel numb. numb enough to forget. and having forgotten, you would go back and let yourself succumb to the same hurts, such that…
4. …YOU DON’T REALLY EVER LEARN.
but from all the brouhaha over this boy, i hope i do learn. learn to not fall for him (or someone like him) ever again. learn to get him out of my system and learn that if ever someone else comes along (i do hope that someone else would come along!), that someone should be placed under the scrutiny which this boy should have been placed. i hope i finally learn and never forget this pain. for if i forget, i am bound to just hurt myself by falling for this trap of unrequitted love all over again.