you know how it is sometimes…when you try to cover up your own sadness – either by immersing yourself in a swirl of activity or by trying to blend in with a crowd. you resort to fake solutions which never really work out… you put on a pasted smile and try to deny that deep inside, you’re actually lonely. you desperately want someone to reach out to you. but you don’t know how to let that someone (or anyone) know that you need him/her/them in your life. you feel like no one really understands. you go to bed each day (or rather night), thinking that maybe in the morning, things will be different. day in and day out, this happens…until the point that you actually become tired of how sad you really are.
i don’t know if that has ever happened to you. i don’t know if you could relate to what i just rambled about. but tonight, i told myself that enough is enough. and i don’t wanna pretend anymore nor resort to futile options. finally, i admitted to myself and to God that for sometime now, i’ve been feeling so alone. and i felt even more alone as i allowed myself to cling to temporal crutches. now i realize that i’ve been trying to escape something that has been gnawing at me. tonight, i told God what i really felt…well, i know He has known all along, but i think He was just waiting for me to fall on my knees and admit this loneliness, this profanity…the sheer insufficiency of all those crutches i tried to cling to…
having searched my heart and realized all this, i now say that enough is enough.
i refuse to go back that path.
i refuse to rationalize and to feed on this self-destructive, deceptive pattern (even at these early stages). instead, i shall fix my gaze on Him & on the vision He has given.
i refuse to compromise and give in to this test. instead, i choose to cling to the truth.
i refuse to rely on my own strength because i know i simply do not have enough. instead, i rely on His…His joy is my strength.
tonight i realized i’m tired of taking things into my own hands.
tonight i cried…i cried out to Him…and it felt good.