my housemate aleth (who sadly will be moving to cebu at the end of the month…huhuhu) said i arrived home from school and work with this tired aura. and i answered her, “that’s because i am tired”
why am i tired? sometimes i feel like i’ve been dragging myself to do a lot of things – stuff ranging from work to bar ops to some other extra-curricular stuff to some family errands (which i do with a lot of disdain, actually – to my mom’s dismay). well, fortunately, i’m not that tired to dabble with my acads naman. i know naman that of all the things i got myself into, it’s my priority. but as for the rest…oh well…
i like my job coz it’s not that demanding and yet i get paid well. sorta full time pay for a super part-time job. haha. kaso minsan, it’s frustrating. coz it seems like nothing is happening. moreso, sometimes, i feel like i don’t really have a significant role to play in the organization – as if i’m just a decoration. good thing my boss rudi, made me point person of all those financial stuff and is even tapping me to train his clients on financial management. that, i didn’t expect to like, although it was pretty draining.
bar ops is of course another matter. i’m drained because…
a. this job is a testament to the saying that you never really can please everyone. no matter how brilliant you think your strategies are, there will always be loopholes namely: some demanding and at times thankless barristers who will hound you at various times of the night and day (while in class, while at work, even while sleeping); and some tired volunteers and heads who just give up at the sheer volume of work.
some of them make their “tiredness” felt – expressly or impliedly. a couple of weeks back, there was even a good friend who seemed to have gotten mad at me on a personal level na rin…for reasons God knows why (eh magkaiba naman ang work sa personal, di ba? mabuti naman akong kaibigan, di ba? tsaka on a professional level, in fairness naman, i’m not naman the type na basta lang nag-uutos. i help out naman. kaso sana naman maisip nila na ilan silang committees na kailangan kong tratuhin nang pantay-pantay, member ako ng lahat ng committees. at kelangan, i-balance ko rin ang sarili ko and the help i extend to all of them) of course when i feel that they are tired already, i have to pace myself in following them up din. kailangan makiramdam, tumantiya. and even that is emotionally exhausting.
as for me, i can’t afford to give up. i can’t afford to conk out. instead, i have to be this energizer bunny that keeps on going and going and going. but i’m human too, and i have a life other than the bar operations.
b. it is a thankless job. i know it’s bad to want credit for things you’ve done, to want to be recognized. i’ve always been the type of worker or leader na kahit di mapansin nung iba kung anu-ano nga ba exactly ang ginagawa ko basta maganda yung output and the subordinates felt empowered yet were sufficiently guided ok na. tipong quality of the work was okay and everyone had a harmonious working relationship. as a manager, i align objectives with them, make them see the vision. pag ok na sila, ibig sabihin, pwede na sila pakawalan, i always give ’em sufficient leeway to exercise their best judgment, yet when they need me pa rin (esp when they can’t decide), di ko naman sila iniiwanan pag kelangan ako sa meetings, i’d really go. i wrack my brains out for ideas too, i’d brave hours of traffic, spend pesos of cellphone bills, wake up early in the morning (which i absolutely hate) to respond to their cries for help.
but now, i just experienced how hurting it is to not be acknowledged at all as part of a team…and i realized that when one is forgotten to be thanked for something, it hurts pala. maybe that’s why i take care to appreciate my heads and volunteers more now. i don’t want them to experience feeling unappreciated for what they’re doing. i guess this particular rant is what’s truly eating me up. because there’s been a specific situation where i feel so left out. tinatanong ko tuloy ang sarili ko. napabayaan ko ba sila? wala ba akong kwentang vp/ebic for them? rhetorical questions. yes, this is the main thing which is draining me right now. ewan. iba-iba tlaga ang draining issue every week (i wonder kung ano kaya next week?). at ngayon, naiiyak lang talaga ako. sheesh. i never thought i was that sensitive.
na-realize ko rin, minsan pala kailangan ko rin pala ng pasasalamat.
c. mga taong mahirap i-follow up. naputol na ang line ko, naubos ang load sa ka-f-follow up, sa kasasagot ng mga Qs both from the ends of volunteers and barristers but what makes this even more draining…hmmm, i think the more precise word is annoying is the fact that there are people na nagpapahabol pa. they are the ones who don’t meet deadlines, unapologetically at that. they are barristers and some heads who don’t answer texts at all (kaya kailangan tawagan). or those na kelangan pang takutin just to comply. nakakapagod rin mag-follow up. can’t help but mainis. i’m human too and i get bogged down when i hear reklamo about how much work they’re doing, how others are not getting tapped (when bottlenecks occur in middle level management). ang nakakaasar, di naman ako nagkukulang sa follow-up. so anong dapat, agaw eksena ako at gawin ko ang mga trabaho ng middle level management? di naman sa kung ano man, but i was a head once, part of middle level management, and then i remember having a sense of ownership. ito pang mga ibang reklamo: about how come no one’s in the booth (eh baka naman nag-CR lang, di ba?). blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. yeah, yeah, i get and i am the ultimate absorber of all the complaints from all sides. that is my job. taga-worry to make sure everything complements with each other (kahit na mahirap tlaga dahil malaki yung org), para makagawa nang maayos at maluwalhati ang iba. that is my job.
d. pero syempre, may redeeming aspects din naman itong bar ops. i’m thankful for those cooperative barristers who comply with our deadlines and who suggest ideas. i’m thankful for those who ask their requests in a nice way. and i’m thankful for those who know how to say thank you after a favor.
i’m thankful for heads and volunteers who help. who go out of their way talaga and make sacrifices here and there just to make things work. i am happy when i see them. gusto ko silang i-hug talaga, as in. that’s why i make sure na pinapasalamatan ko talaga sila. sana ma-feel nila how genuinely thankful i am when i say thank you and tell them how much i appreciate them. di yung, nge, e parang binobola lang naman ako nito eh.
e. ano nga ba ang napapala ko dito? dati sabi ko, gagawin ko ito dahil in the past nung naging bahagi ako nito, marami akong nakitang areas for improvement (and even now, meron pa rin…and i realized, di naman yata nawawala yon). pag ako naiinis sa isang bagay, i don’t just sit down and rant, i try to get the thing within my sphere of influence so i could eventually do something about it. i get this high from setting goals and achieving them within sufficient lead times and i get a greater high when it’s seemingly impossible and yet it’s done. and now that i’m VP, i realize that there are a lot of things that i could never really put within my sphere of influence. that actually makes things frustrating sometimes for someone who’s a control-freak like me. so aside from burn-out and emotional strain, ano nga ba ang napapala ko dito? my canned supposed answer should be, just like everything else that i do and i’ve been doing, it should be for God’s glory. but now, honestly, i really don’t know the answer coz i’m thinking there are other endeavors naman din where i could give God glory – without this much emotional/physical/mental/social burn-out and strain. e.g. pagkanta – gusto ko talaga kumanta, ito lang ang totoo kong super gustong gawin, magpaka-active sa church – ibalik ko kaya ito, tumungo sa isang totoong career path – as in something that would truly matter in 10 years time. magpaka-active ulit sa PVO – para alam ko na may silbi talaga sa bayan ang ginagawa ko. ay, ewan, bahala na. bahala na talaga.
next time ko na ikwento yung portia stuff (don’t get me wrong, i love my sorority and i love my sisses, it’s just that i’m doing super a lot na…u know, patong-patong lang).
yung tungkol sa pamilya, naku, ibang blog entry dapat yon kasi isa pa yung mahaba.
for now, i need to go and study tax na. kungdi, lagot ako tomorrow. ciao!