sometimes, i think, i’d be much better off living the eternal life that’s been promised to me than dealing with my made up and real emotional and logistical issues.
there’s remorse from the occassional perversions, fear of having to succumb my thorn in the flesh once more, and tiredness from having to face the same issue all over. there’s condemnation from authority figures even though i don’t do what they think i do. there’s melancholy, as i miss the way i used to relate with some people and even more sadness and desperation coz i don’t know how i could bring back the old times.
then from another front there’s uncertainty of steadfastness in the long haul and fear of being left hanging. still from another front, there’s disappointment, and total uncertainty likewise as to genuiness of concern, of relations. confusion as to what has been done wrong and as to how amends could possibly be made. regret from being the occassional ass that i could be.
looming still is the possibility that i may be sick, very sick. and that there are tasks that may remain unfinished. and right now i may not being doing the best job that i could. because things don’t go my way sometimes. and on the side, i am tired and burned out.
and complementing it is the thought that maybe only a handful would ever truly care. most of those who would might even forget quickly.
so i would have lived an insignificant life. die an insignificant death. to think that i had all these dreams of grandeur…to serve. to be used for a purpose bigger than myself.
but if my life were to prematurely cease indeed, i hope it won’t be for naught. that somehow, someway, in the past couple of months lives have still been touched through me. plights made better.
i apologize for thoughtless comments said. comments which probably had hurt. for useless words which pulled down instead of building up. sorry for acts left undone and for performed acts which should have been undone. malice or no malice (though rest assured, most of the time no malice is involved) involved, i am really sorry.
and for this burdensome thoughts, i am sorry for the rants. these things i don’t often admit that i have. because i hate thinking of doubts and burdens. but i do admit, sometimes i have them. and sometimes, they become too difficult for me to bear.
probably because i was never meant to bear them…aaaahhhh…yes, eureka. that’s it. i don’t want to carry these all on my shoulders. i am unable to solve my dilemmas. please pretty please teach me how to see everything in a new light. i need You. always, i do.
sorry for my oftentimes excessively self-sufficient nature. a cause of pride and stubborness. reason behind a hardened heart.
yes, i re-surrender myself to You. my entire being. aspects of my life that remain in the dirty cobwebs, please deal with them. please help me out of the pits. i am sorry for hiding. for doubting, for forgetting. when Your love is just out there, in here. all around me, waiting for me to embrace it.
thank You for Your reminders that You are with me. that i am never alone.
thank You. i love You.