What is a Philippine election?
It all begins when the country’s brightest, most highly qualified inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who have the potential to make good leaders, get together and examine the country’s problems, the state of politics and the long-term national prospects
What happens next?
They decide to emigrate
And after that?
Another group of bright people get together
What do they do?
They also emigrate
And so on and so forth
What does any of this have to do with a Philippine election?
When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders leave the country all the time, who are you left with?
Retired baskteball players? Toilet comedians? Bad actors and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids? Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites?
You’re now ready to hold a Philippine election
How important are elected officials to the Philippines?
Nobody’s been able to figure out an answer to that one
What’s at stake in a Philippine election?
Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses! The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family! That’s from the politician’s point of view
How many positions are waiting to be filled in the coming elections?
About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined number of graves
So it’s like a lotto?
Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life
Who are qualified to run?
Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship who’s alive, of a certain age, good character and able to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court
What kind of candidates have the most chances of winning?
ARTISTS who have the CONFIDENCE of the people
You mean “con artists”, don’t you?
You said it, we didn’t
Who are qualified to vote?
Anyone at all. Typically, anyone who’s willing to be bussed around and go a hard day’s work visiting a lot of precints during election day.
Talk about parties in the Philippines
Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines
No, POLITICAL parties
Oh!. Well, in the past there used to be only two parties, the Liberalistas and the Nacionalistas. Now there are several dozen, but they still all fall under two main parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunistas
What’s the difference between the two parties?
Sosyalites love parties. Opportunistas will join any
Explain what this year’s presidential elections is all about
Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the incompetent and the idiot?
No, is that a joke?
That’s the presidential election
You’re a cynical bastard, aren’t you?
No no no, we’re not running for office
Why are there so many international observers who come to a Philippine election?
They’re fascinated by all the strange phenomena which accompany it
What are you talking about?
Miracles are a dime a dozen during elections here. Vicious criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly. The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national leaders.
Why is the Church so closely involved in elections?
They’re also interested in studying the miracles. Also, priests are needed to administer the last sacraments to all the people who’re killed
Philippine elections sound like they’re really violent and bloody
Not really. Not more than several dozen die on the average. Why that’s only a teensy fraction of the population! And everything blows over after election day, so the country can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft, hostage taking and coup attempts
How clean are Philippine elections?
Let’s put it this way: if Philippine elections were your house you wouldn’t want to live in it
What are “guns, goons and gold”?
Three traditional important elements of a successful election. There’s a new one: film credits
How come this pamphlet doesn’t include a question that goes “why can’t all candidates just jump in the lake”?
That question looks like it was just gratuitously put into this article for very naughty
purposes. We decline to answer it
How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious?
Power failures in very specific rooms where the counting is taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by.
Can’t the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put a stop to crooked elections?
You really ARE from another planet, aren’t you?
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