Is He the One?

Is He “the One”? This is a question we ask ourselves every time we go out with someone new. It can also be the question you ask yourself after many years in a relationship. The simple answer is that only you can tell.

Many researchers believe that there is no “one” person for each of us. It is postulated that each of us could potentially be with many different people. But others believe that there IS one person for everyone. That it is just about finding that person and living happily ever after.

So what makes someone “the One”? It depends on what you are looking for. There are no hard and fast rules about finding your perfect match. There are just guidelines, some of which seem like common sense. There are several areas in which you should be clear when deciding if he is The One.

  • Compromise: a crucial component in any successful relationship. The amount and balance of compromise is unique in each relationship. However, partners need to take each other’s needs and desires into account. Compromise does not mean giving up your own self or morals. It means being aware that there are two people in the relationship. Working together is necessary to make any relationship happy and fulfilling.

  • Communication: thecornerstone of any successful and healthy relationship. It isn’t just about talking; you have to really listen to and ‘hear’ your partner. Everyone has their own communication style and needs. Make sure that yours can be fulfilled with this person.

  • Compatibility: you should have enough in common that you spend time together and share mutual activities. But you should also have enough individual interests that you don’t become totally dependent on each other.

  • Emotional and physical intimacy needs: people have a variety of needs and wants in terms of emotional intimacy and physical affection. There can be big differences in this area. You need to be on the same page or there will be a lot of tension and frustration.

  • Commitment: if you don’t want the same things in the short- or long-term, then you will encounter tension and strife. Be sure you have the same needs and desires in this area or you (or he) could be sorely disappointed.

  • Level of equality: be clear on your expectations about the sharing of responsibilities, money-making, communication, etc. Everyone sees equality differently and each couple needs to figure out how they define it.

  • Priority of relationship: how important is the relationship in comparison to the other emotional and professional demands in life – family, job, friends, hobbies, etc. How much time do you both need, and does it match?

  • Romantic Love: this is central for some people and not for others. Know what it is you want in this area and don’t settle for less. If you want butterflies in the stomach, then wait for them!

The key is to know what you want! If you are clear about your needs and desires, it will be easier for you to decide if he matches them. It is important to be at least somewhat in agreement with your intended partner. In areas where you differ, you need to be willing to compromise. If your needs are being filled, that is key. If they are not, that is a bad sign. So be aware of what you want and need and then figure out if you are getting it!

Additional Reading:

Benjamin, H. (1989). Basic Self Knowledge. Samuel Weiser, Inc.

Warren, N.C. and Silvestro, D. (1994). Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner. Pocket Books.

Georgian, L.M. (1999). How to Attract Your Ideal Mate. Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Hoffman, J.A. (1998). Are We Compatible? Questions for Couples. Andrews McMeel Publishing.

Kasl, C.S. (1998). If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path. Viking Penguin Press.

Rankin, H.J. (1998). 10 Steps to a Great Relationship: What Every Couple Should Know About Love. Stepwise Publishers.

Rodgers, B. and Rodgers, T. (1999). How to Find Mr. or Ms. Right: A Practical Guide to Finding a Soul Mate. Resource Publications.

Tucker, N. (1999). How Not to Screw It Up: 10 Steps to an Extraordinary Relationship. Three Rivers Press.

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