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organizational trauma & other reflections about purpose

while the LP-youth meeting was going on (i had to cut med jur for this, and i rarely cut class – except when i’m sick), maraming experiences ang nag-flashback sa utak ko.  i had always been a nationalistic and idealistic person thanks to my parents (especially to my dad who instilled the value of integrity), ma’am jumaquio (3rd & 4th yr HS filipino teacher who had this EPK framework na talagang tumatak sa utak ko…grabe, di lang alam ni ma’am J but malaki influence nya sa kin) & gawad san luis.  special thanks din to likha, one of my best friends since grade 4, isang napaka-nationalistic ding tao. 

pero biggest influence talaga yung nangyari sa kin during my last year in college – probably the most troubled time of my life.  i headed a big student organization in UP diliman back then and was branded as “ma-pulitika” by some people who hated my guts to the hilt.   i still couldn’t understand why and i’m still traumatized sa mga sinabi nila and by the way they treated me. 
kaya hanggang ngayon, minsan, wary pa rin ako sa mga tao at hinay-hinay sa pagka-friendly everytime i’m reminded of them.  there was even a time when i told myself na i won’t be involved in any organization na, i’ll keep to myself na lang kasi sobra talaga akong na-hurt sa kanila dati.  sabi kasi nung mga taong yon, ma-pulitika daw ako kasi from the very beginning i was active in the org, and wanted to be president from the very start. kesyo friendly lang daw ako because i wanted something from people.  kesyo they’ll never respect me & they would always want my opponent to be president.  yung mga iba na naging VP  at kapwa EB member ko, hindi nila ako tinitignan pag kinakausap ko sila.  di sila nakikinig at nakikipag-coordinate kahit sa meetings. 

looking back, siguro ang naging kasalanan ko talaga ay iba ang vp for internals na pinag-campaign ko in the elections prior to mine and that i was vocal of my ambitions in the org.  now i know that there’s nothing really wrong with politics, per se, which is neutral.  it’s how politics is used for evil ends that makes it dirty.  and to my recollection, pinilit ko naman maging isang mabuting orgmate / tao / presidente dati.  i don’t hate those orgmates of mine and treated them kindly till the end.  i told myself, i ought to be the “bigger, more mature” person kahit na i couldn’t understand why i was treated as if i were such a bad, horrible person.  i still couldn’t forget their looks of hatred when they talked to me.  i couldn’t forget them & perhaps i never will.  siguro, thankful na ako ngayon for them (although traumatized ako…haha).  if not for them, i wouldn’t have sought the reasons as to why i was made to undergo all that.  (although i’m praying na sana the day will come when i could finally forget this baggage.  dahil sa trauma na ito, muntik na akong di tumakbo sa LSG last year… i’m just so thankful na hindi ganito ang LSG experiences ko this year and last year).

i remember crying in church a lot of times during my terminal year in college, asking God why i had to undergo such an experience.  Diyos lang talaga ang naging takbuhan ko nun kasi wala naman ako talagang masabihan sa orgmates ko.  twas then that God started revealing to me that He was preparing me for “something” bigger than myself.  grabe, i still remember how personally He seemed to be talking to me.  it was that i my lowest point when i really felt Him carrying me through each day.  if it weren’t for Him, i wouldn’t have been able to genuinely smile and be appreciative of the orgmates who did their projects well and attended the org activities.  it was really God who carried me through all that.  kahit yun lang – renewed closeness ko with God, that was enough for me to get out of my traumatic org experience.

when i was working naman in P&G, despite being well-compensated, surrounded with friendly, talented & driven people, i was not fulfilled.  i’m not sure if i got burned out.  malamang…kasi i was doing work which is now being done by a unit manager, when i was still a section manager at that time, tsaka i’d work from 9am to 2am almost everyday, with minimal breaks.  i brought home my work & worked on weekends too.  (kahit na nasa family outing may dalang laptop).  those days, di rin ako nakakasagot ng mga texts & emails na non-work related from friends.  now, i miss my old friends. 

after that phase, i decided to go to law school.  (LAE lang ang only entrance exam that i took)  dito, natutuwa ako sa mga like-minded people and sa mga concepts na natututunan ko.  since the time that i entered UP law din, i seem to be led to responsibilities that seem to be beyond me – thru the LSG and PVO (when i was still active).  tsaka to people who inspire others to be active in our nation’s affairs (e.g. tanya lat, sir te, sir leonen, sir harry, tito dan, etc).  tapos itong technocracy project, where i’m an RA under sir dondon paderangga. 

i still don’t know what that “something (bigger than myself)” is.  i know i’d love to dabble in nation-building someday but i don’t know exactly what it is i’m cut out to do.  i’m still praying for God to reveal talaga the purpose He wants me to fulfill. 

ah ewan.  mahirap i-put into words talaga lest i be misconstrued. (ngayon nga lang, i run the risk of being misconstrued.  but bahala na, this is my blog and i’m free to write my thoughts here)

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2 thoughts on “organizational trauma & other reflections about purpose”

  1. i still don’t know what that “something (bigger than myself)” is.

    I don’t know if you will, but you may find that out when you start to do OLA. I don’t know, I had a good OLA experience kasi, so I can’t speak for other people (well, this summer that is, can’t say I’ll be able to replicate for 2nd sem hahaha). I guess it’s because you’ll be able to really see the practical effects of all that memorizing and reading in class hahaha. You’ll realize that there is a real responsibility to study your lessons well, kasi may tao talaga na aasa sa yo later on, and they will tell it to your face na wala na silang ibang aasahan kundi ang OLA. Malaki ang responsibility for us who know about the law to help people who don’t, and that’s how everything becomes so much bigger than yourself. (I can’t tell you the number of times I shook my head and thought, damn, if only I paid more attention to this in class, eh di sana nasagot ko yung tanong ng client hahahaha)

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