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Senti Mode # 1 – Mad at Losing

April 25, 2001 (Quiet time thoughts)

Before actually getting started on my quiet time, I came across 3 notes written during the past semester – pieces of communication between Ralph & me and Adele & me.  Upon reading them, I was transported back in time – to those days of pain & rejection.  After feeling a bit depressed (all over again), I got “mad” and told myself that such things would never, ever happen to me again.  And such is a vow that I hold in my heart.  This is the main reason why I’m seeking change from within me.  I know God used those circumstances to tell me that I needed a change of heart.  I simply need a hear that’s attuned to Him.  To quote the preface of the Leadership Book,

“Through searching diligently for principles for successful living, I was suddenly made aware of these two forces:  the person of Jesus and the principles He set in motion.  The combined power of these two influences I call the ‘way of the winner’…Winners are simply ex-losers who got mad.  They got tired of failure.  THE DAY YOU GET ANGRY AT YOUR FAILURES IS THE DAY YOU START WINNING.  Winning doesn’t start around you – it begins INSIDE YOU.”

Maybe I was a loser…quite unbelievable for some that the president of one of the most respected UP orgs felt like she amounted to nothing.  But during that year, all the accolades and utterances of admiration coming from parties external to UP JPIA fell on deaf ears.  The rejection of my 5 VPs stung like bees taking their bite into every succulent conspicuous portion of my flesh.  Everytime memories of my term as UP JPIA president come back to me, my heart still aches at the misfortunes that befell on me then.  But now, apart from the aching sensation, I now have a resolution that never again would I have to undergo similar things.  As in, I am mad…mad enough to be determined to actually do something about all these…but a question composed of a single word rings after this declaration of rage:  HOW?

Indeed, in Him are answers to all of men’s questions.  In my quiet time today, I received the very answers to my query. 

“I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

The Lord is basically telling me that in order for such things to refrain from happening, I must have a change of heart.  I must bear fruit.  And the only way I could be consistent with such is by remaining in Him…by abiding in Him.  He has promised me that He will take charge of pruning me, of taking away all of those negativities in my character…but I have to remain in Him so that I could listen closely to His voice. 

Right now, there’s so much that I want to pursue.  I would like to achieve success and fulfillment in my career, as well as a happy and secure life with a husband who’d be sucessful and loving, and kids who’d be happy and focused.  But that’s far off into the future pa. 

————-

Recent ongoings involving a friend of mine have inspired me to take a trip to memory lane – back to those days when I underwent something similar to the things he is experiencing. 

True, I had a difficult time back then, but I thank God for my trials then.   Through the difficulties, He has molded & is still molding my character. 

To ensure that the same struggles don’t happen, it’s important to ask God: Lord, what is it that you want me to learn through out all this?  What is it that you would want to change in me?  The answers to such questions may come in very painful forms indeed, but they are effective in molding a person’s character.  To effectively learn the necessary lessons, one needs a humble heart and teachable spirit – such difficult things to have due to our inherent proud natures.  (It was such a struggle for me then, and every now and then I still have bouts with my pride and selfishness.  I have learned a lot of things, but I’m still far from perfect.)

The trying situations keep on repeating themselves, as if a pattern of trials were existent in every phase in our lives.  Oftentimes, when these patterns surface in our lives, it is an indication that we still haven’t learned our lessons after all.  And till we do learn our lessons, we will be subject to the very same struggles – not because God wants to punish us, but because He loves us enough to ensure that we are equipped for His grand purpose for our lives and for the roles He would want us to play in others’. 

————-

Now, 7 years after my college graduation, I’m still far from the person God wants me to be…am so thankful that He has remained patient with and faithful to me.   I so look forward to the future He has in store. 

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