insomnia attack

 it’s been a long time since i’ve written here, since i’ve written a personal journal entry, one where i could just blab about without being censored.  of course, since some time has passed, a lot of things have also taken place as well.  

where do i start?  i guess i’ll begin with the things that concern me most these days:

1.  the bar and related preps – there’s still time.  i could work on this.  i could focus on this.  bawi sa inconsistencies ko in law school.  (Lord please help me do this.  itawid nyo po ako sa tuloy na ito, Panginoon.)

2.  home management and transferring to a place of our own – i wanna feel how it is to manage my own home.  ayoko na makitira with my in-laws.  even if it’s convenient.  i miss living on my own, but of course now with a twist.  i wanna live alone with my husband.  (Lord, you know my heart’s desire…Father, i’m praying for that house we saw tonight.  sana po we could live in a nice house in that neighborhood someday)

3.  the next step – career-wise
a.  law firm or audit firm or should i be more courageous and apply for a WTO / south centre / UN internship?
b.  should i apply for an LLM in international tax or MIT program right away?
c.  should i succumb to the "temptation" of putting up my own firm?  – renew accounting license, take customs brokerage licensure exams

4.  this time, seriously, i really want to grow more in the Lord.  spend more time with Him.  (kahit talking to Him through journal-ing), reading His word.  (Lord, I’m praying for a discipler, Father…kilala Nyo po ako at yung taong yon.  please send the most suitable one my way, Lord.  Pati rin po asawa ko, please help him grow in You).

5.  a good career for my husband.   (Lord, please motivate him.  give him strength and encouragement where and when I no longer can.  please open doors for him too)

6.  ghosts of the past coming to haunt me:
a.  JPIA fiends & the difficult confusing times in my terminal yr in college – but this doesn’t really concern me as much now.  
b.  former constituents – kesyo spineless daw ang previous statements namin about frat violence?  kesyo we didn’t follow procedure daw.  haha.  enough with this.  na-insecure lang ang beauty ko.  tigilan na nga ito!
c.  about me being better off in p&g – had i stayed on, i would be earning a six-digit salary na, i would be able to own that beautiful house i just saw tonight (  
d.  what if i just worked for unilever or an auditing firm (tax group) instead?  that would’ve led me closer to my goals.  

e.  career wishlist:  if i were to do things all over again, i would’ve:
i.  joined unilever after college.  mag-ipon ng pera.  specialized in supply chain
ii.  joined an auditing firm, then after 2 yrs, nag-law school.  evening class na right away.  part-time tax work to build competency. syempre, wag na mag-LSG ek-ek.  wala namang naidudulot na mabuti yon.  so what if i appeared on tv and was able to satisfy my vanities?  pursue advocacies?  so what now?  where does all that lead me?  it was a thankless job.  waste of time.

insights from all this: 
1. pero tapos na ang "ghosts of the past."  futile thoughts sila.   

2.  halatang wala pa talaga sa utak ko ang baby.  although i get curious sometimes.  iniisip ko, what would that kid look like?  would he/she be more like mike or me?  i am so praying for a upright, healthy, intelligent and beautiful son and daughter.  

3.  lesson learned from all of that:  life is too short.  people should make wise choices in the most effficient manner.  

(Lord, i made a lot of mistakes in the past.  or made some so-so choices which could’ve been better, and thus wasted time.  Lord, please help me make a "new start".  please give me wisdom as to what to do next, as to how to do it.  please help me do my best.  sayang po kasi eh.  ang dami kong panahong sinayang dahil decide ako ng decide on my own.  Lord, please direct me po as to the next steps to take now.  i am worried, Father.  worried of a life of failure and not being able to live up to the full potential that you want for me.  i surrender that to You, Lord.   My being is yours, Father.  please help me, direct me, teach me not to waste time.  and not to compare myself with others too.

Father, I so need encouragement, direction, inspiration which could only come from You alone.  as of now Lord, napanghihinaan ako ng loob.  please strengthen me Lord.  please renew my strength and motivate me each day, so I would not burn out.  inyo na po ang mga aspirations ko.  and please help me to take things and live life one step at a time, one day at a time in You and through You.  in Jesus name, amen.)


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