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bouts of slight depression

for several weeks now, i’ve been pretty unproductive.  at first i thought it was just a post-SLR burn-out.  but i think, after gauging myself time and again, i think i’ve been pretty lethargic because i’m depressed. 

i’m depressed because i feel like i failure. 

i feel like a failure because my life has turned out to be so far from what i hoped it would be. 

it’s far from what i hoped it would be because i feel like i made some wrong turns in life. 

i made some wrong turns in life because of my penchant for escaping. 

i escape from things and circumstances when i am already hitting the wall. 

i hit the wall when i feel that even though i keep on exerting effort to achieve something, i still end up achieving nothing. 

when that happens, i feel like a failure. 

and i end up depressed. 

it’s like a cycle…a vicious one that i so want to break. 

as einstein once said, to keep on doing the same things and yet expect different results is insanity. 

no, i won’t remain in the rut.  i won’t do the same things all over again.  this time, there’s no more escaping for me.  i have to face head on what makes me feel like a failure.  if i have come short of expectations – mine or others, i guess i just have to accept it and make the most out of what i have. 

as for what i feel, i don’t want to succumb to this depression. 

(Lord…..i cry out to You)

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