for several weeks now, i’ve been pretty unproductive. at first i thought it was just a post-SLR burn-out. but i think, after gauging myself time and again, i think i’ve been pretty lethargic because i’m depressed.
i’m depressed because i feel like i failure.
i feel like a failure because my life has turned out to be so far from what i hoped it would be.
it’s far from what i hoped it would be because i feel like i made some wrong turns in life.
i made some wrong turns in life because of my penchant for escaping.
i escape from things and circumstances when i am already hitting the wall.
i hit the wall when i feel that even though i keep on exerting effort to achieve something, i still end up achieving nothing.
when that happens, i feel like a failure.
and i end up depressed.
it’s like a cycle…a vicious one that i so want to break.
as einstein once said, to keep on doing the same things and yet expect different results is insanity.
no, i won’t remain in the rut. i won’t do the same things all over again. this time, there’s no more escaping for me. i have to face head on what makes me feel like a failure. if i have come short of expectations – mine or others, i guess i just have to accept it and make the most out of what i have.
as for what i feel, i don’t want to succumb to this depression.
(Lord…..i cry out to You)