why i ought not lean on my own understanding

After last Sunday’s euphoria over the reserved Rosewood Pointe unit and my  mother-in-law’s offer, I chatted with a friend, yesterday, the euphoric feeling turned to sadness.  From her, I learned of a 3BR unit w/ parking (we were able to reserve a 2BR unit w/o parking), also in a low-rise building (beside ours).  Twas priced at 800K more than what was offered to us.  Natirahan na nga lang for a year ng previous owner.  Then, nakwento ko sa friend ko yung tungkol sa offer ni mother-in-law. Natanong nya kung nag-f-freelance pa raw ba si hubby or kung may fixed job na, and asked kung mas malaki raw ba ang income kung feelance. Sabi nya, kung di pa rin daw lumalaki kita ng husband nya, maiirita na daw sya. I told her na may “special case” kasi si hubby kaya nag-iingat ako how to motivate him. Until na-disclose ko na he wasn’t very driven before, but what I’m happy about is that he’s come a long way. She then said na, na-all for love daw ako, kasi she was expecting na go-getter din ang hubby. Hindi raw nya alam kung anong gagawin nya if she were me and that mother-in-law isn’t helping hubby stand on his feet. I told her na kanya-kanya lang sigurong trials, kaya in-allow ni Lord kasi He knows na kaya din lagpasan. Hindi ko naman ipagpapalit yung temperament ng asawa ko, di sya nai-insecure sa akin, tsaka yung we have the same faith, pinagsisilbihan nya ako and gwapo sya (w/ matching hihihi).

I know she meant well, I don’t take offense with what she said naman. But I felt bad lang, kasi, alam mo yung parang from a euphoric feeling na na-answer ang prayers namin, Medyo nagiging okay na ako now, but I just felt kinda olats kanina. Alam mo yung mga times na na-f-f-feel mo yung disparity between the life you envisioned when you were younger vs the life that you’re now living? Although alam mo, habang tntype ko ‘tong email na ‘to, medyo nahihimasmasan ako…wala na akong magagawa sa past choices, but what matters is what I make out of the future, by God’s grace. Dapat hindi mawala ang thankful spirit within me.

Medyo na-down din ako dun sa house kasi all the while I thought we were so fortunate to get the last one, tapos hindi pala. But super liit lang naman ng contribution nun to my feeling bad, it just triggered those feelings, making me vulnerable. Anyway, I realized din naman that even that discovery doesn’t make me any less blessed.  The blessing remains naman, twas just my perspective that changed…why should it change in the first place?

Oftentimes kasi, due to our impulsive nature, we tend to jump into choices which are not necessarily bad, but are not necessarily the best either. Naisip ko nga, pride din siguro (in the form of self-sufficiency), yung we tend to lean on our own understanding in past decisions. But from there, we learn all the more to trust in Him in the face of decisions (it really is a moment by moment choice, malingat ka lang, maaring maligaw). 

Inspite kasi of our tendencies and past decisions, I am confident that, with God’s grace, we will overcome (we already are overcoming!). I’m claiming yung nasa Romans 8:28 (one of my favorite verses), yung “And in all these we know that God works for the good of those who love Him, and who work according to His purpose.” So, siguro the more pivotal questions / issues are: Do we love Him? (How much? How do we show Him that we love Him?) Are we working according to His purpose? 

I came across an email last night. It contained a quote: “The will of God will not take you where the grace of God will not protect you.” Na-comfort ako sobra, ginawa kong status message sa facebook. 🙂 

This morning naman, my devotional was about God’s mercy despite previous wrong choices, and it centered around Psalm 51, David’s psalm after he committed murder and adultery. There, he asked God to create in him a pure heart, renew a steadfast spirit within him, and restore the joy of his salvation. Like David, I’m also praying that prayer for us. I’m resolving, too, to listen more to God’s voice of truth, and shun out the enemy and his attacks. 

Hope we have a really nice, productive day today! (lalo na, I need to make up, di ako masyadong productive yday, na-distract kasi). 



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