When I was growing up, aside from wanting to hear people say that I looked like my mom (I thought that my mom was the prettiest! Still do!), I had one main ambition: to be a lawyer, like my dad. I even unwittingly copied my dad’s frowns, wanted to channel how his manner of speaking commanded respect from people he spoke with, and even though I acted up in rebellion at times, deep inside, I just wanted to please him. One time, out of anger, I told him, “I never want to become like you!” – words which I obviously didn’t mean, as I pined to be called “Atty”, and by God’s grace turned out to be one.
Tonight, as I was driving home, I couldn’t help but reflect on the day’s events, specifically recalling a meeting where I failed to react in a Christ-like manner. I found myself replaying an undeserved “injustice” brought upon me, as I felt repeatedly disrespected by someone at work. Reflecting on the meeting’s events, I told God that I didn’t want to react that way in the first place. I knew that whether the “injustice” was perceived or real, what mattered more was how I responded; but with my heart hurting, how could I respond in a Christ-like wise but loving manner? I also knew that even through my current challenges in the work place, He was molding me to be like Him, but it was just so hard…I couldn’t do it by the strength that I presently have (admittedly, I have little).
Tired of the mix of recurring anxiety, bitterness, self-pity, unforgiveness and pride that the situations were triggering out of me, I just wanted to lay all these unwanted burdens down at my Abba’s feet. And so, admitting that I got hurt, I surrendered the cares, and asked the Lord to heal my hurts as I admitted that my strength to deal with the situation at work is close to depletion (if not depleted already). In tears, I told Him, my Heavenly Dad, through this song, that in the midst of all these, I do want to be like Him:
I tried to walk on the water
And found myself under the sea
So with water up my nose
I felt Your hand come close to save me
I’ve tried to cast out the demons
I’ve gone to the darkest of regions
When fear has me shaking
You suddenly break in to save me
I desire to be like You
Like any son or daughter
I want to be like my Father
I desire to be like You
You promised to never forsake me
So I’ll risk it all if You’ll make me like You
You stand beside me just waiting
While I try to do it alone
Smiling, You say son come here
Won’t you let me just help you?
But frustrated I try to make it
‘Cause I’ve just got something to prove
Not knowing it is my weakness
That perfects Your power
Father make me just like You
Daddy make me just like You
In all my desire to be like Him though, I can never do so by my own strength or even through a mix of my strength and His. It has to be all Him.
Abba, thank You for enabling me to see that it is in these humbling moments of weakness, when I’m at a loss, that Your comforting presence just sweeps in, strengthening me (and using me to strengthen others, as well, even through a simple fb msg). Sorry if due to those self-sufficient tendencies, it took awhile for me to truly come around.
Lord, I don’t know what’s going to happen, and admittedly, I’m scared…but I release this fear to You, knowing that the only fear I want to have is fear of You…the fear of being away from You (and yet You remind me once more that nothing can separate me from Your love).
Thank You, too, Abba, for enabling me to see (a quick answer to one of my prayers earlier this evening) how I am being stripped away of those self-sufficient tendencies, even. This is now my main ambition: Father, make me just like You. To be like You, I need to rely on You, alone.