While driving yesterday to meet a mentor, I tiredly told the Lord, “okay God, I surrender to whatever it is that You want. At the end of the day, it is Your will that will prevail anyway…” Admittedly, I did not say those words with a good attitude, as the green eyed monster tried to rear its ugly head, when I recalled of others’ fates…again, comparison. Not good at all. God then softly told me, “Why My child, do You need fame? Do You need to travel the world?” When I felt His still small voice ask me those questions, stopping me in the middle of my rant, I just felt so ashamed. No, I don’t need fame; I need His favor in His eyes. Rather than travel the world (pero Lord, gusto ko rin ito), there’s no place I’d rather be in than in His presence.
At lunch with the mentor, I told her about my latest concerns at work. She gently rebuked me and gave me very practical advice about how to mend the strained relationship. Primordially, humility and selflessness was key. Beyond the pragmatic advice, I believe God wanted me to genuinely love people even at their unlovable moments. And so I went to work with such mindset. To my surprise, the tenor and demeanor of the boss seemed to soften. I just pray that the storm is over. Whatever happens, I just want the relationship to be fixed.
Still, one of the topics that the mentor and I discussed over lunch remains unaddressed: what do I want to pursue in the first place? What matters most? In the evening, I was also faced with similar questions in a leadership training (leaders of communities) survey, asking me about my values outside and at work, what I liked doing and how the same impacted my career decisions. I was able to respond to all, except for the last point. I realized then there was indeed a disjoint.
This morning, I woke up unbelievably early, despite having slept at 2am (absolutely not good for the health, especially since I have barely recovered from colds and a sore throat). I believe though that it was the Lord who woke me up, His Holy Spirit led me to meditate on the following verses (copy-pasting and comparing my favorite translations):
What really matters, Lord? What matters to You? Please reveal. Help me grow in keem insight.
After a while, I get to read this article, and this portion just strikes me:
When spouses find themselves on different schedules, they often become like two rudderless ships passing in the night … and day. One is getting home from work while the other is taking their daughter to soccer practice. One is sleeping in after a long night of work while the other is up early and out the door to get things done.
Whatever the situation may be, a disconnection arises in marriage when you’ve given the best of your time and energy somewhere else and only have your leftovers for your spouse.
Keep the clues coming, Lord. Please make them more evident, and lead me accordingly. Open the doors please. I need Your provisions, I need You. (My husband just left, at least I was able to see him off…now please help me sleep again, Lord Jesus, as I soak in Your presence. Please reveal more even as I sleep. Amen.)