The following paragraphs in this article struck me:
“We ought always to pray—wherever and with whomever we are. Prayer is for worship, supplication, and abiding. Prayer in order to create intimacy with a spouse? That’s expecting a lot. Walking with God in the cool of the day didn’t make Adam and Eve naked and unashamed. Because they were naked and unashamed, they could walk with God.
My goal is certainly not to discourage couples from praying together or to give an excuse to quit trying. My goal is to free you from the guilt, the manipulation, the expectations, the one-upping a spouse, and the ulterior motives. Set yourself free from the thinking that something is missing from your marriage because you don’t pray together! Naked and unashamed is only found one time in Scripture. One time. Give yourself permission to embrace the sheepskins that God so mercifully provided to his fallen humanity.”
Realizing my manipulative behaviour and incorrect primary motives behind praying with Mike, I’m just repenting and asking the Lord for forgiveness. I am ashamed that I used this as an excuse to hold back from the Lord the prayers that are rightfully due Him (for my own good), hence also affecting my intimacy with God. I praise God that He exposed these tendencies to me now.
With this revelation, I feel in my spirit that a wall has been torn down, and the Lord is just inviting me to climb up higher with Him. This makes me recall the dream I had the other night: I was facing a white brick wall (which looked like the walls of Jerusalem). Suddenly, it disappeared. Behind it, and now in front of me was several steps (a flight of stairs) to a bright, white, fiery light, which was just everywhere, and was very inviting. Upon deciding that I wanted to go up, I awoke. Could it be that the Lord has indeed been inviting me to draw even nearer, closer to Him, and He is now tearing down that wall of manipulation and guilt, masked as pure?
Abba Father, thank You for exposing the above to me, by Your Holy Spirit. I just ask for Your grace and forgiveness for the manipulation and excuses. Thank You for freeing me from the guilt and expectations even, which may even be contributing to intimacy gaps between my husband and me. Cleanse me anew by the power of Your blood, Lord Jesus. Please help me have a revitalized, recharged prayer and personal time to meditate on Your word. By the power of Your blood, and Your finished work on the cross, I claim that Mike and I have been restored to the pre-fallen state, in Jesus. By Your stripes, Jesus, may this also manifest in the natural, fully curing that alloimmune blood disorder, or any disorder that is keeping Mike and me from conceiving, and having children. Help us to walk with You, accordingly. In Your name, I pray, Jesus, amen.