To be honest, even with ups and downs of “confinement”, (like my struggle with depression yesterday), I’m enjoying this rest period. There are lots of priceless, quiet moments to just hang out with the Lord and process revelations and lessons in relation to the tests. If only this leave weren’t w/o pay (save for SSS benefits that are barely 1/5 of my monthly pay…still, this is provision. I’ll take it, thank You, Lord!), I’d want the leave to be longer. 🙂
A month without pay is fine but I need to get back on my feet soon or else our finances may suffer. As I recounted in previous blog entries, our reservation fee for the townhouse that we were eyeing was also forfeited in part. I really just thank God that the Seller, got convicted into returning the 60%. That’s such an answered prayer! Then again, God is my Jehovah Jireh, my Good Shepherd, and Heavenly Father, who gives my daily bread. All I have needed His hand has provided. He has always been faithful and continue to be so.
Yesterday, when OB examined me, she found nothing wrong with my womb, but won’t give me a fit-to-work certificate unless we get normal results in a urine exam. She says it may be a culprit behind the lower back strain and she just wants to rule out urine infections which sometimes develop in women healing from miscarriage. I’m really praying that the results will be normal. I’ve been praying and laying hands on myself for healing. I’m telling God, “Lord, pagod na po ako…and marami po akong natututunan. Pwede pong awat na muna sa tests?” (I’m tired, Lord, and have been learning a lot. Can we have a ceasefire from the tests, please?)
Last night, a friend shared a very powerful message that helped put the recent tests into perspective.
Though I didn’t hear the message directly, it just felt so personal, describing my journey these past few weeks. The thought that we’re but stewards, and cannot take anything with us when we die is so sobering.
The tendency when we amass possessions, networks, achievements and even revelations is to think of ourselves as better than others. The tendency to pride ourselves ourselves as prettier, smarter, more quick-witted, cooler, friendlier, more attractive, more talented, more well-connected, more sophisticated, more fashionable, trendier, more successful, busier (yes, can be a source of pride!), richer, more spiritual, more well-travelled, and/or more virtuous vis-a-vis others, typically ripens into a habit, a stronghold and even a state of heart. We may think of this sin as well-hidden if we appear virtuous; but God sees the calloused state of our hearts and detests this form of pride. Such callouses constrict the flow of compassion into our hearts.
The verses in today’s Devo convicted me (here they are, in my favorite translations. I just love comparing one version with another and from there, savoring the richness of God’s message through the Holy Spirit’s revelation)
I reflected on the times that I considered myself to be better than others at each stage of my life, and repented from each one that God brought to mind. As I prayed, I felt release…freedom. I pray for the grace to truly turn back from this habit / tendency. Thank You for gently revealing this to me. Lord, convict me, as You must. I have much to learn. Help me guard my heart against this detestable thing in Your sight.
It strikes me how a humbler heart and considering others as better than one’s self has a correlation with caring and being a deep-spirited friend. One of the things that this experience is teaching and imparting to me is a desire to be a more encouraging, more compassionate, more empathic and more deep-spirited friend. Lord, forgive me for my pride and callousness, and help me to be one and to see people and circumstances through Your eyes of compassion. Help me be more considerate of the interest of others.
In this connection, I posted this on FB.
One of my bestfriends gave an insightful comment about how to be a deep-spirited friend:
Really need the Holy Spirit’s prompting, and from there, we respond.
Thank You, Lord for softening my calloused heart amidst these tests. Thank You for the time to spend with You, as well as the opportunity to hear Your voice.