Frustration for hope. Lost to be found.

Lord Jesus, forgive me for these moments of weakness. For right now, I just feel so blah. Actually, blah is not the word. I feel frustrated, Lord, for the way things in my life do not seem to be moving forward, and I just feel so lost.

I am still childless (but getting fat), yet we’ve spent more than a couple of hundreds of thousands of pesos for treatments. My relationship with my sister is still in shambles and she has not turned to You, yet. My relatives are also still at odds with me and have been giving me the silent treatment after my push back of a supposed responsibility. There’s no clarity with respect to that housing transaction, and if we don’t proceed, we may lose our P100K reservation fee. With my career, I’m just disappointed, Lord. Just when it looks like I’ve landed a role that I like, I am not happy with the compromises all around me and how some folks major on the minor. Deep within my soul, because You instilled that strong sense of integrity in me through my upbringing at home and through my first employer, I feel restless with every compromise. I always seem keep on jumping from one job to another. Why is that? Why is there always a flaw in each employer that came after the first? Should I stick it out which each compromise? Or is there a flaw in me?

I feel like I’m in a very similar place where I was 7 years ago…where You confronted me with my lack of gratitude and want of control over affairs of my life. Is this Your way of telling me to surrender anew? If yes, Lord, I surrender anew to Your ways. It’s just so painful and frustrating right now, Lord. Yet this pain and frustration, I give to You.

Do You really want us to move forward, Lord? Lord, You promised plans to prosper, to give us a hope and a future, right? Despite what I’m feeling, I know that is still what You want for us. You still want to make the barren woman a joyful mother of children. You would want my integrity to shine like the noonday sun. But Lord, please help me. You are my only help. Lord, please boost my hope and faith levels because I just need that boost so badly right now. Please let me know that Your breakthrough is at hand.

Thank You, Lord Jesus that I can just be honest with You. Thank You because I know You can take it. Thank You because even though I’m feeling this way right now, the truth is You love me, immensely with a love so much greater than my frustrations. Lord Jesus, You are bigger than my frustrations. Thank You because no matter what, I know I am still blessed. I have You, and You are sending me much love through Your Presence and in the times when this lostness seems to ovewhelm, through my husband and through friends whom You prompt to contact me in times when I feel like a recluse. And right now, though I may be in hiding, I’m hiding in the comfort of our bedroom in a home You have given to us. Thank You for Tita Gemma who has just prepared juice and pancit canton for me – comfort food so befitting for moments like this.

Lord Jesus, thank You because I know I could trust You with my rants, and because I know that You aren’t even surprised with my reactions. Lord, sorry, because contrary to what I thought, I am not yet a mature daughter of Yours. Lord, won’t You please teach me how to respond to everything around me? Right now, I just feel weak so can You please empower me with Your Holy Spirit? Lord, please speak to me and cause me to see things from Your perspective. Help me to ace each test.

Lord, You are my shepherd and You lead me to quiet waters, to green pastures. I may just be passing through a valley now, but please all the more, make Your Presence felt, Lord. Cause me to see, hear, feel, taste, smell and sense You more. I am desperate, Lord. I call upon You desperately.

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Could this be Your response and message all along, through Youversion’s verse for the day?

Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach [your people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited]; everlasting joy shall be theirs. – Isaiah 61:7 (AMP)

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