Tonight, on my Nth time of reading this, I broke down
Especially after reading someone’s comment to my comment
For some reason, though I wanted to hang on to God’s promise, I just felt all the frustration wash over me through tears. As I cried, I released it all to the Lord. My husband wondered why I was suddenly crying after we watched a silly movie that wasn’t even a tear jerker, as he hugged me and told me he loved me and wasn’t planning on falling asleep ahead of me.
As I cried, I just told God, “Lord, I am just so tired and frustrated and ashamed for feeling this way. But I know You can take it, and this is why I’m crying and being honest to You. I know You understand how I feel and You won’t judge me for feeling this way. I don’t even know how to pray about this matter anymore. Lord Jesus, Jesus…Jesus. I know I can’t do anything about this nor about my and/or husband’s conditions or drives. But You can, if You want to…”
Now, I add, “Lord, I release the heaviness of all this frustration (and all other frustrations) to You. Perhaps these have been causing my heart to harden. And I don’t want to have a hardened heart towards You. So Lord, just comfort me, Abba. In the best way only You can. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Right now, this verse is ringing through my head:
Why so downcast oh my soul, put your hope in God.
Ok, Lord, I won’t quit, but only because You’re keeping my hopes up.
JUDGE and vindicate me, O God; plead and defend my cause against an ungodly nation.
O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man! For You are the God of my strength [my Stronghold–in Whom I take refuge]; why have You cast me off?
Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling.
Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my exceeding joy; yes, with the lyre will
I praise You, O God, my God!
Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my [sad] countenance, and my God.
– Psalm 43:1-5 AMP
As I edit this, I pray again: Thank You for being with me, Lord. Abba, I remember how Abraham believed against all hope, and it was credited to him as righteousness. Lord, I don’t know exactly what to believe in sometimes…But I believe in You. I believe that You see me, I believe that You hear me, that You’re close to me, even as my heart breaks with unanswered questions hounding the frustration. You are the God who sees me and all these through and through. And I just expect You to be there for me and to move just as You always have according to Your nature, according to Your Word, according to Your will. Lord, You make the barren woman a joyful mother of children, and if You said so in Your word, then it must be true.
And if You’re calling me to step out anew and believe, then I will. Strengthen me in faith, Lord, for admittedly I do not have much. By myself, I’ll run out of it, so I just look to You, Lord. At Your Word, Lord. Thank You, Jesus. In Your name, amen.
Therefore it is of faith that it might be according to grace, so that the promise might be sure to all the seed, not only to those who are of the law, but also to those who are of the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all (as it is written, “I have made you a father of many nations”) in the presence of Him whom he believed—God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did; who, contrary to hope, in hope believed, so that he became the father of many nations, according to what was spoken, “So shall your descendants be.” And not being weak in faith, he did not consider his own body, already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb. He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. And therefore “it was accounted to him for righteousness.” Now it was not written for his sake alone that it was imputed to him, but also for us. It shall be imputed to us who believe in Him who raised up Jesus our Lord from the dead, who was delivered up because of our offenses, and was raised because of our justification.
– Romans 4:16-25 NKJV
Lord God, as I read this, remove, fully remove any spirit of frustration, hopelessness, hearstsickness, shame, rejection and / or grief. Instead, I claim Your Divine Exchange, and receive Your fresh hope, Your gift of faith, Your confidence, Your acceptance and Your joy in my heart permeating my entire life and overflowing. I shake the dust off. I shall rise up in hope and faith anew in You, Jesus.
“Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate Than the children of the married woman,” says the Lord . “Enlarge the place of your tent, And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; Do not spare; Lengthen your cords, And strengthen your stakes. For you shall expand to the right and to the left, And your descendants will inherit the nations, And make the desolate cities inhabited. “Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. For the Lord has called you Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, Like a youthful wife when you were refused,” Says your God. “For a mere moment I have forsaken you, But with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,” Says the Lord , your Redeemer.
– Isaiah 54:1-8 NKJV
Wow, Lord, and You never really let me go through it all. 🙂