Discontentment. I have a feeling that this is what God wants to deal with me anew. Just when I thought I’ve learned my lesson on thankfulness vs grumbling years ago, I realize that it is rearing its ugly head again in this season. Perhaps, it has been there all along, lying dormant. But whether dormant or active, I want none of it anymore.
At 3am or so this morning, I awoke again to hear God speaking to me about worshipping and thanking Him even when I don’t feel like it. I found myself subscribing to a Devotional on Struggles in Youversion. I started praying, remembering who He has manifested Himself to be in my life and ascribing these back to Him, until I fell asleep. When I awoke, somehow, the yet indescribable turmoil from within diminished.
This morning, upon reading Day 2 of the Struggles devotional, I realized that it was all about this: God wants me to know that He is my all in all, in whatever season. It was the same realization that appeased my frustrations from not (yet) realizing the things I’ve been praying for years. It is the same realization now: that ultimately, it is discontent causing the turmoil in my heart, driving my decisions and causing further turmoil. God wants to end the cycle, more than I do. And He wants to tell me this:
And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]. Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom [in spiritual things, and as you sing] psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, making melody to God with [His] grace in your hearts. And whatever you do [no matter what it is] in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in [dependence upon] His Person, giving praise to God the Father through Him.
– Colossians 3:15-17 AMP
Lord Jesus, thank You for continuing to search and know my heart. Cleanse and purify it, for it belongs to You, as I declare anew. Thank You for reminding me of the importance of singing hymns and spiritual songs, to help quench the thirst of the Spirit in me. Thank You for reminding me to be thankful in whatever it is that I do. You are my Prince of Peace, Jesus. Fill my heart with Your peace, settling all questions and doubts with finality. Thank You, Lord Jesus, because I can always hope in You. I don’t know what You are doing and what You will be doing, but knowing that You are a good God who loves me, I know I shall see your goodness in the land of the living. Fill my heart with Your hope in place of any despair and frustration. May my heart flow with thanksgiving, released through my lips, that above all things in my life, only You would be glorified, in true worship. I love You, Lord Jesus. Amen.