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Convicted

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After today’s big fight, I realized the following:

1. I really do have control issues. (But Lord, I can’t take it when he says “no” to my pleas for transparency…like when he refuses to let me take a look at his phone…when he refuses to understand how I need this for my peace of mind because trust has been broken. Nonetheless, Lord, change my heart)

2. I have anger issues, and can be physical – namamalo when I get very frustrated (Lord, sorry. Teach me how to not sin in my anger)
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3. His heart is out of love for me, He doesn’t care about my feelings and can no longer give me any assurance about his love. There’s nothing I could do about it. (Lord, You want this marriage preserved right? And You want him saved. I’m so powerless, Lord…I’m even sabotaging Your work by letting my emotions lead, instead of Your Holy Spirit. I’m very, very sorry. I just plead for Your mercy. It’s all in Your hands)

4. I’m so affected by what he does or says or what he does not do or say. I simply cannot carry on like this. (My joy and peace should not be circumstantial. God is my anchor and my joy and peace depend on Him alone)

5. He thinks I’m a leech. He hates my morning hugs. Where he couldn’t resist not hearing from me for a day, he does not want to hear from me for more than a day or longer. (I give up on the “trying to fall in love again” thing, Lord. If You want this marriage preserved, please just take over. I don’t want to get the reins back. I’m so tired, and honestly, if not for You, Lord, I just want to escape from this misery of daily active and passive rejection)

Still, I hold on to this…

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