I’ve really been struggling with trusting my husband again. Today, in my reflections, I’m realizing that it’s not about my trust in my husband nor trusting Jesus in Him (especially when I am unsure with where his relationship with God is at); BUT it’s about:
1. Placing my trust in God and the work He has began to do and will continue to do in my husband’s life. Someone has already told me this before, but it can take awhile for things to click in me.
Trusting God does not always come easy, but I need to remember who He is and how much He loves me. He has a track record of faithfulness, and I can rest in His faithfulness and be still. After all, He is not a man that He should lie.
2. Seeing my husband, not as the man he is, but as the man God intends him to be. This is not easy, especially in tricky times (when he’s very unloving or when there are “strange” things), so I pray for God to open my eyes and make me see my husband the way He sees my him. God sees him as a faithful and loving husband to me. So should I, despite whatever.
These made me recall how on the day I first met my husband, I had this feeling that God will be using me in his life. That is my primary purpose in his life, and I pray for God’s grace to help me fulfill it, especially in this difficult season.
I remember, as well, how my husband used to tell me that he knew that he wanted me to marry him because I made him want to become a better man (stark contrast from his statement that he was pressured to marry me, right?). That time, I learned about his debt and educational lapses, and saw past them…because God allowed me to. But I realized that there are times when I have been unable to do this, as the years went by and especially now. I blamed his disinterest in my affairs, activities and in me on our different educational backgrounds and became frustrated with him. Though I didn’t really verbalize this, I guess it showed. I ask for God’s grace to help me see my husband as the man God wants him to be, past the frustrations and my discoveries in the past 3 months, while leaving my expectations at the Lord’s feet. My expectations should be in God, not in my husband, while I accept my husband for who he is flaws and all (but I have learned to accept him more now; just cannot accept his flirting, white lies and lack of transparency).
Yesterday, he firmly said that I will no longer take a look at his phone. That is the main source of our conflicts – I realize I have been traumatized by the sight of the lewd messages with that girl and what nots in his phone that I feel the compulsion to view it when it seems like he has or had a “meeting” that I would not be pleased about. I lift up and surrender my trauma to God and ask for healing, so I can submit to my husband. I need to…that’s what he needs, as well. Lord, please help.
Easier said than done. But I guess all the more do I need to keep my gaze on Jesus, my heart focused on Him. This is living by faith, and not by sight, as applied in my marriage.
I’ve been screwing this up and pushing him away thanks but no thanks to the post traumatic stress symptoms (we’ve both been pushing one another away), and I just plead for God’s mercy and grace. Oh Lord, You alone can truly fix this. Please grant me more love and strength. My husband’s heart is in Your hands. Heal him too, Lord, I lift him up to You.
Below is a prayer that I intend to pray everyday for him.
I hate this season. I hate how my husband and I have been acting. Enough is enough, in Jesus’ name! But I recognize that I can’t control or change him; but for the sake of our marriage, I can decide to change and ask God to change my heart, and his as well.
Tsaka eto na lang: