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Focus

To finish well is the mandate God has for me, yes. But till then, what? I need moment-by-moment strength from God to be still. It’s so easy to be swayed by the words of sympathizers (my analytic brain agrees with them) that I should not take my husband’s antics (bordering on emotional abuse), get mad, retaliate and be the one to leave. But that would not be tantamount to finishing well.  I can only be still and finish well if I have strength. And I can only get strength by fixing my focus on God and letting it stay there.

One thing I’m discovering is: it is easy to be focused on the Lord when I’m alone; but it is such a challenge when I’m with my husband and am subjected to his unloving responses, latest of which is this morning, when he did not respond lovingly to nor even appreciate a gesture I did in love.

Yesterday, there was another one. He was so cold to me even as and moreso after we watched Xmen Apocalypse (which I loved btw). Turns out he got ticked off because I opened his credit card statement…says it was his mail, and I did not have a right to do that.. that I should ask permission from him. But as his wife, don’t I have the right to do that? Isn’t his debt my debt too? And in light of how he hid his P100K+ credit card debt and other debts from me, isn’t there a need to be transparent with me? Oh well, but I humbled myself and told him that okay, next time will tell him beforehand that I’ll be opening the statement.

I also shared with him the following articles, and he simply had no reaction! He wasn’t even paying attention to what I was saying. He was more attuned to the TV!

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2. http://www.noovah.com/infidelity-and-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/

3. http://m.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse’s-Trust-After-an-Affair

Perhaps this is the training that the Lord has for me. If Paul and Silas were in a prison, I also seem to be trapped in this prison…till death do us part or till he leaves and divorces me or best, till he sees the Lord and has a heart-changing genuine encounter with Him. Until then, I am to be a loving and kind wife, as much as the Lord gives me strength for this. And Lord, please give me strength…for I really cannot by myself.

Today, as I spent time alone with God, He  strengthened me through a reminder that my husband is not his mistakes, acts and omissions. They do not define who God created him to be. Hence, I am once more taking my physical eyes off of my his behavior and placing my heart’s eyes on God’s word.

I really just draw strength by hiding myself in Him, my Refuge. Perhaps this is the way to fight all this. To be hidden in Him and be still.

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When I am still and hidden in the Lord, my eyes are fixed on Him. I need apply this in the times when I am on the battlefield, which for me is when I’m interacting with an unloving husband who keeps on rejecting me knowingly or unknowingly or when I hear sympathizer comments.

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Lord, my Refuge and my Stronghold, You are with me. You are my very present and well-proved help in times of trouble. Each time my heart is in pain again, I lift up to You my hurts and You heal my broken heart. You make me glad and You help me. Just utter Your voice, Lord and You will melt my husband’s hardened heart. It will be a testimony to all those who see our situation as hopeless…but I hope in You. Till then, just envelope me in Your Presence always. I will be still and know that You are God. You are sovereign and You are fighting this battle for me.

(And just like that, after typing that prayer, this song begins playing on Spotify)

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