For the past two days, I’ve been so angry with my husband as my last session with the Psych sunk in. Yes, compassion was required of me, but I simply couldn’t. I was just angry. And what made me even angrier was how I needed to suppress it because my husband cannot handle confrontation. It doubled the frustration. I thought about the past 8.5 years of marriage and how I felt unsure of which was true or for show, and the uncertainty just made me even angrier.
Until this morning, on my way to work, I decided to confront the reasons why I’m angry. I knew that I cannot be angry at him forever, and asked God to take it away. As I prayed, the following were revealed to me:
And in this light, before I do or don’t do (or say) anything, I realize that it’s important to evaluate my motives and ask the Holy Spirit: am I saying or doing this (or not) because of love or fear? Whatever I dispense matters. Actions motivated by fear may only compound his fears, while those motivated by love will drive out his fear. Such love has to be perfect, and there is only One source of such perfect love: God. I ask for more love from Him to give away. I admit to very low love levels as of this point.
I’ve been harping on my husband’s pretenses and lies, when I realized that I also put on some masks of my own. With that realization, I am finding myself repenting, asking God for grace. Perhaps such is the grace that I am to give away, as well.
When asked the question of whether or I want to save the marriage, my answer has been: I am not sure, yet not my will but God’s will be done. Now, I think I’m adding a proviso to this effect:
I am not sure, whatever is best for Mike and me, according to God’s will. Not our will but His be done.
Perhaps this is purification for me – to make my heart and its motives pure. Painful, but I know after I’ve been tested, I shall come forth as gold. As written in Lana Vawser’s blog, which I subscribe to in WordPress: