I am so in awe of how the Lord answered my little prayer last Sunday:
WISDOM IMPARTED THROUGH REVELATION
Every now and then, when alone with Him, I’d ask Him, “Lord, what does it mean for You, Jesus, to be my hope of glory?” Today, He answered by giving me a revelation through this video (thank You, Lord, for the good work You have done in Katie Souza’s life, and for these teachings and impartations of healing from Your words):
Glory, I realized was symbolized by the wings (of the Cherubs) in the Bible, and in Hebrew is the word marpeh, for body and mind, which is an integral part of our soul man. Glory is the absolute, inward, perfect excellency of Christ, and it was first given to us when we accepted Jesus into our hearts. We do not have to strive for it, as His glory is already inside us, through our spirits. Jesus asked the Father for this glory, that He may give it to us.
We are called to arise and shine with such hope of glory radiating from within to without. However, our souls have gates, shut from wounds from sin and/or trauma, which do not allow such glory out. We constantly need healing, and our souls find healing in His wings (just like when Jesus felt power come from Him when the woman with the issue of blood grasped the wings (talith) of His shawl amidst a crowd). When we worship God, really focusing on and looking to Him for who He is and not just His benefits, with revelation and understanding, we become more like Him in our souls, our inner being. In so doing, as we reach out to Jesus as the woman with the issue of blood did, His glory heals and prospers our souls. Our souls then are imparted with more like of the absolute, inward, perfect excellency of Jesus, as we lift up the ancient, long-entrenched gates of our souls and let the King of Glory in our spirits in. Thus, Jesus transforms us from glory to glory.
A few minutes after I prayed along with Katie, the Lord reminded me of the conversation my husband, nanny and I had over breakfast. My nanny and I recalled and related stories about how my maternal grandfather dealt with my father and me. Today, I realized how those dealings hurt the soul of the 4-year-old girl that was me: though not explicitly stating so, it was my maternal grandfather who imparted to me the feeling that I was an unwanted mistake. As such realization unraveled, I found myself struggling to forgive my grandfather, and asked the Holy Spirit for help.
The Holy Spirit revealed that my grandfather also tried to battle against those feelings, borne out of his hurt and disappointment and moreso because he built such high hopes on my mother who had me and got married to my father at the age of 20, when she had so much ahead of her. My grandfather struggled with love for me and my mom and anger at my father. Everytime he was with me (without my mom), he boasted to that 3 or 4 year old about how he owned all the things in our house, and belittled my father. In a way, he hinted on what my mother could have become had she not married my father. As the Holy Spirit made me realize how my grandfather was simply a hurt human, I received anew strength and power to forgive him.
As for his words and the motives behind them, the enemy used these to feed my little 4-year old subconscious mind with lies about how I shouldn’t have been born, or that I was born at the wrong time, and that I hindered my mother from having a good future. My mother, who has always tried to affirm me, had been perplexed for so long on why as I grew up, I simply just refused to receive affirmations about how precious and beautiful I was. (I was horribly and miserably insecure as a pre-teen, an insecurity that surfaced when due to my sister’s birth, I was no longer the center of my parents’ attention.). Those lies were so embedded in me and were strengthened through more wounds received as the years passed, culminating in the wounds from my marriage last year.
As I realized these things, I cried my heart out to the Lord. The wounds were deep, I realized, and it is perhaps the reason why I have struggled with inferiority, insecurity and lies of insignificance for most of my life, even when I was already a Christian. I have often wondered why my 4th year in life seems to be very memorable to me, as an adult. I realize now, as I type, that due to those wounds in my soul, there are times when it’s as if I’m stuck in that age of 4, when it comes to issues of identity, significance and purpose. And that is where most of the dissonance lay.
As I cried, the Lord embraced my soul and consoled me through this song:
As I listened, the Lord reminded me about how He is my revelation, my consolation, my vindication, my hallelujah. While wounded even as I journeyed towards Him, He was with me. Though my heart would at times get broken through my and/or others’ doing, He never failed to cause even those bad things to work out for my good. He literally enabled me to worship Him, giving me strength for the rest of the journey though I had little or at times none of my own.
In my journey with Him, he gently chipped off the debris of inferiority, insecurity and insignficance layer by layer. This was actually the first thing that He changed in me after I got born again, a few days before I turned 16: from thinking that I was ugly every time I looked at the mirror, He made me realize that I am actually beautiful, especially in His eyes. I literally saw how my looks transformed as He imparted to me truth about how He made me in His own image and likeness, wonderfully and fearfully even! My purposelessness and lack of ambition first dissolved when as a college kid, I received the face value revelation of how He has plans for me, to give me a hope and a future. I am not without a purpose! Through these, He healed the symptoms of the insecurity, inferiority and battle with identity.
Through the years though, those biblical truths were further affirmed and embedded in my being as I underwent challenges. They were tested in the face of decisions. Sometimes, I made mistakes, other times I passed the tests only by God’s grace. After each test, God knew that I badly needed a debrief. Right now, I am in that season of debriefing, the worst being over now, by faith.
Last year, as I experienced a perfect storm built of marital, career and financial trials, I was given the gift of brokenness. Stripped of dependence on self, I experienced God as my all in all. During such time, He allowed me to spend a lot of time with my mother. Through conversations with my mom, He caused a deep healing in my soul. With my mother’s words of assurance, God affirmed to me truths about my identity. It was indeed a healing balm when my mom told that every time she looks back, she realized that it was by having me that the Lord unraveled to her, her specific purpose and the mission that He has for her (my mom recently completed her term as dean of the veterinary college of our country’s premier university with dreams of putting up a teaching veterinary surgical facility in the country; and she realized her calling as a professor after she decided to teach out of convenience to be near and have time for me). Those words complemented another healing caused as she sang a duet with me before friends who witnessed her pregnancy 38 years ago.
Oh how the Lord has answered a long-standing concern of my heart. He has once more affirmed that I am not a mistake. He knew what He was doing when He made me. And today, the Holy Spirit revealed the root of such struggles with insecurity, inferiority and insignificance. As I forgave my grandfather, through the power of Jesus’ blood and dunamis, there was a fresh healing that came.
Jesus, as I look to you and worship You, even through this post, and behold You as I pray along with Your words and listen to and sing more songs to You, I command the ancient gates of my soul to be lifted up. Heal the wounds that you have revealed. Soothe the aches of my heart with Your healing balm, as I soak in Your presence under the shadow of Your wings. In Your name, I pray, amen.
Looking back, indeed, these words I read this morning on FB are for me:
The Lord is not yet done with me, I know. He is faithfully completing the good work He has begun. He is weaning that 4-year-old child in my inner being.
And I think, this may also be a lesson to parents, grandparents and child care takers: be careful about what you impart to your children. They can carry with them the message of and behind your words, with the prospect of wounding their soul forever…if not for God!
Speaking of Lisa Bevere, I am now excited to read this book. May it complement the healing that I just received. May God speak to me, to further wean my soul, through it. But before that, will be composing a birthday greeting for my mom first. 😊