Torn Flesh

This morning, I awoke to a dream, through which the Lord seems to signal that the awaited time for restoration of an important, yet sadly fractured, relationship in my life is drawing near.


I went home from festivities (Tata, one of the WoW ladies and Kuh Ledesma were there). The following day, I was supposed to be with and eat with my mom. I put on my pants. My pants were loose in the waist that I had to tighten them.  I thought I lost weight significantly, and it made me gloat.
After eating at a messy restaurant with good food, we went back home. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized that my pants were loose, not because I lost weight, but because flesh in the right side of my waist was eaten and infected. My mom and I went to the hospital. It took a long time before we can be attended by the doctor who only treated it superficially and said we needed to go back for my operation asap. 

I was in pain so I told people at law school and in the office that I needed to rest. The school was white and light all over. My tranny ex boyfriend was again there, but as a guy. I bid him goodbye. He told me he wouldn’t know what to do if he lost me. The law school professors (Ma’m Beth and Sir Labitag) were talking about my wound and how I could have gotten it. 

Meanwhile, I wanted treatment for my torn and wounded flesh because I was in pain, behind my shirt. I was concerned that it would spread, but it seemed contained. I kept on wandering in a small deserted town to go to a gathering, where I saw my Dad’s cousins, among whom Tito Rollie was most memorable.  

I woke up. I still feel a slight tinge of pain on my right side. 


Holy Spirit show me what the dream means

  • Festivities = WoW retreat with sisters in Christ.
  • Home with my Mom = setting of where the issue is: original family
  • Tightened jeans = thought it was desirable at first, but in reality, it wasn’t 
  • Mirror = God’s word made me realize there was a wound
  • Torn and wounded flesh with pus = an old wound, offense-related that has been eating at me. It is not apparent at first because it is covered by my shirt
  • Red shirt = Appearances. Or it can also mean, the wound is being covered by the Blood, by love….love overcoming a multitude of wrongs. 
  • White, light and bright law school = learning about God’s laws (His word and ways)
  • Saying goodbye to the Ex = Closure. It was amidst the setting of the school. It wasn’t the issue behind the wound. What he told me though (about how he doesn’t want to lose me), may be the issue behind this: it also relates to rejection 
  • Ma’m Beth and Sir Labitag = my professors for family relations and obligations and contracts. Sir Labitag also teaches about property laws. 
  • Deserted town = Loneliness? 
  • Dad’s cousins = extended family. Tito Rollie has a reputation for being intoxicated. 

The dream is about my rift with my sister and how it is affecting me. I was too intoxicated with my closeness with my 2nd cousin that I overlooked how the pain was still there. I’m trying to go on through life with the pain and loneliness from the rift, trying to hide it, but it is eating at me. It is the issue that I have to deal with, as there is now closure on another wound from my past concerning BJ.  It is a wound that is also rooted in rejection. 

All of this is shown to me after and as a result of the WoW retreat with sisters in Christ. God is reminding me of the things I learned in His school. There is a specific emphasis on family relations and obligations, as well as a remote impact on properties. 

The torn flesh needs to be addressed. I need to go to the operating table. I don’t want to go through life with this pain. I’m ready to be operated on now. 

All of this point to one thing: The rift with my biological sister.  God is also showing me how to heal it: let His love overcome a multitude of wrongs


Lord, thank You for revealing this to me: that I am still affected and infected, no matter how I try to hide it. Heal my wounds regarding my sister. I am in pain because she has and continues to disrespect me and has rejected all of my efforts to reach out to her. It has been almost a decade, and it has gone on for too long. 

Right now, as I type and pray, thank You for reminding me that You know how I felt, Lord. You did nothing for us to reject and not show you the honor due You. Forgive me, Lord. And yet, You have forgiven me, You loved me then and love me still. Your love covered my wrongs. And now, I feel Your love at work in my heart.

Lord, I apply that love and forgiveness You gave me to my family, especially to the wounds from my sister. Help me reach out to her in love and overcome my fears of rejection. For You have shown me how to be a relentless pursuer. Let Your perfect love cast out all fear within me. Empower me with Your love to reach out to her. 

You are the healer and lover of my soul, Lord. Thank You for revealing about this wound. Heal me, Lord. Continue to heal me. 

Lord, open the door, make a way to resolve this. We have not communicated for years, except when I go home and she offers me a grunt in exchange for my greetings. Oh Lord, make a way. Holy Spirit, do what no one else can. Soften hearts, Lord…hers and mine. 

In Jesus’ name, amen. 

PS Lord, show me and tell me when it’s time to send this:

Dear Sister,

As early as I can remember till we found out that Mommy was pregnant with you, I have always prayed for a baby sister or brother. When you were born, I was such a proud Ate, eager to help take care of and show off her cute baby sister. I had a bit of an adjustment though from being an only child to an Ate, who needed to learn how to share attention with a little one. I know it took me time to adjust to be patient with you, even as I felt you steal my thunder and our family’s attention. You became such a cute toddler while I was trying to find my way in the awkwardness of puberty. Yet I was very protective of you, comforting you even as we cried when Mom and Dad used to fight and separation was threatened. 

When I went to college, as I started missing you, I learned how to finally be an Ate, but had some growing up to do, and some grief to grapple with when we lost Dad. Despite my love-hate relationship with Daddy, who mostly scolded me in my pre-teen years on our behalf, I found myself alone and lonely, and busy fulfilling a promise to him…so I’m sorry if you don’t remember much of my presence in your life then. 

Eventually, when I started working, I know that I spoiled you a bit and even had a budget for you. You began to open up to me and I knew you relied on my for emotional support. There were times though that beyond being a friend, I needed to be an Ate and make some tough choices, if I felt that those were going to be good for you, for your discipline. I may have shown you some tough love, as well, as you were studying for your Math subject. 

I was open to you about my love life, about a lot of things, actually, because I wanted to be transparent and for you to learn from my mistakes. I am not a perfect Ate, but I do try my best. 

[When I told you about Mike and me getting married and offered you to be my maid of honor, I was deeply hurt with how you declined for reasons that I felt were controllable. But I appreciate that you managed to make it to my wedding, albeit in jeans (whether or not it was a protest, I still thank you). It hurt though that since my wedding, you shut me out of your life. It hurts everytime I feel dishonored when I reach out to you in vain. It hurts to see the impact of this bitter root in both our lives]

But I love you, Lee-ann, and just as I am sorry for letting you down and for all of my shortcomings as your Ate, I am very much willing to overlook everything. I have been praying for a long time now for God to touch both our hearts and heal both our wounds and hurts. Though I won’t force anything on you, I hope and pray for that time of healing to come soon, because I don’t want to miss out on you anymore.




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