Outing Depression in the Broken Road that I’ve Taken

A former direct report asked me some Qs about depression. Candidly and unashamedly, I replied that it is no stranger to me. I can very much relate to the feeling of waking up and not having energy to do anything. I remember wanting to just sleep all day and not wanting to wake up because I felt that it was the same old drill – I felt that I did not have much to look forward to or be excited about.

Pressured by my father’s memory to perform very well in law school, I was merely an average student performing below my expectations [despite my dad’s efforts to prepare me to be a lawyer, since I was 5 (! exag ang dad ko) and utmost efforts I exerted while in law school – I think my blockmates can attest that I was fairly studious]. To say I was not my happiest in my 5 years as a working law student, despite my then-flourishing extra-curricular pursuits, is an understatement.  Year in and year out, I second-guessed my decision to turn my back on a promising career to go to law school.  This is why I can relate to this article.


I realize now that I needed to go through all that because amidst the sadness, I found joy and strength in God anew (not in any achievement nor career plan)…or rather, He found me. Some need professional help to climb out of the pits of depression. For me, what worked (and still does!) is honesty before the Lord (of where I’m at) and daily dependence on Him, the Joy of my Salvation. My turning point was when I  realized that I mostly felt the way I did because I wanted to be in control, which I was never really meant to have. I started to become happier as I yielded control to Him and allowed Him to steer my course, instead of being led by my feelings and limited understanding. In a nutshell, I allowed God to take His rightful place as Lord of my life, beyond mere religion. I am still on this journey. God, alone, helps me overcome the daily battles. Only in Him am I victorious. ūüôā


As law schools proliferate, employment prospects have correspondingly diminished.

The pressure to achieve is great and he suspects a majority of undergraduates are engaged simultaneously in study and some form of paid employment, leaving them short of time and subject to serious levels of stress…

Burnside highlights the dissonance between the idealism that attracts many to law school and the reality of big law firms. “Many, including the brightest and the best, see their earlier ideals looking more na√Įve, more unachievable.”…

With today’s technology, he says the demands to be available and respond to clients, the courts and other lawyers have never been stronger.

“We used to have snail mail. It was expected that the advice would take a week to deliver. Now it is expected you will respond to an email within minutes. Add to this the invention of smartphones, and lawyers are available almost 24 hours a day.


The above notwithstanding, I am returning to where I first began my career. What a crazy, confusing journey it has been…but the Lord was able to make sense of it all. (Come to think of it, if I hadn’t taken that 11-year detour, I probably wouldn’t have met my husband and my life would just be unimaginable.) Indeed, God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. May He bless the broken road that led me back (and all the people I’ve met along the way), after more than a decade.

For now, am just praying that I could get some shut-eye asap (Been trying to sleep for more than 4 hours now!). Could this be excitement of the new chapter which unfolds tomorrow?

We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.- Romans 8:28 AMP



reactions ko lang sa mga blog entries / posts re: the deanship issue

pinagsama-sama ko lang in one blog entry:

1.¬† from someone who has heard both sides of the story…both parties have their own points, sir, and i hope that both eventually come to a point when they’d all be conciliatory about this.

a couple of days back, a professor called me up to ask what the official LSG stand re: the issue is. i replied, “we’re neutral.” indeed, we are.

come december 7, we will be holding a forum on deanship wherein students, the primary stakeholders of this entire deanship selection process, could ask the nominees their positions on issues, and could perhaps make clarifications on the vision paper that the nominees will be releasing. we’ll try to create transcripts based on students’ questions and forward them to the BOR, through the SR. after all, that’s where the selection process will take place. the real battle field is over there…not in the college, not in the midst of the students.

i just hope, sir, that this mess would be fixed soon and that the student body won’t be dragged / used by any party throughout the duration of this issue. (gaya ng nabalitaan kong nangyari several years back)…gusto rin po sana namin ng oneuplaw…not just among the students, but also among the professors.


2.  being neutral is not tantamount to kawalan ng pakialam. the professor in his phone call asked the LSG stand on the deanship issue, that was what i said we were neutral about.

there are two separate issues surrounding/related to the deanship issue here: the political feud and the quality of legal education and policies in the college. let us not confuse one with the other.

while we do care about the quality of education in the college, and the academic policies, as well, we deem that there is a better way of responding than getting caught in this political issue, and perhaps in the process be used by either of the two sides.

there are many different ways to skin a cat. The alternative we choose is one that hopes to capture students’ viewpoints as regards the merits of the plans and programs of the deanship nominees. that is precisely why there will be an initiative, a deanship forum wherein the nominees will be asked questions based on the merits of their vision/mission/plans. inputs/questions in the deanship forum, will be summarized in comments to be given to the BOR, as inputs from the students. Such forum is envisioned to be a venue where we could obtain the students’ thoughts, and put them in black and white. if students‚Äô inputs to nominees‚Äô plans will be put into writing, we deem that it would be a more productive, merit-based / issue-based approach to participating in the deanship selection. For us, that would be a more proactive (not reactive) approach. we invite both sides to cooperate with us in this initiative, and of course appreciate sir te’s offer to help us with this effort.

however, if we take sides as regards the personalities involved, just how exactly would that help?

to participate in the bickering and bashing, to get caught in professors’ (with all due respect to them, still) feuds – feuds which, after all, involve two different points, is something else. while one party alleges that the other side is too power hungry and disrespectful of a mentor to allow the Dean Carlota to finish his term till the end of the school year, the one party’s points are: why be a stickler for rules when you make the rules bend if it works for you, why say that the petition is from the entire UP Law Faculty, when we weren’t even consulted? the two sides, clearly are taking on two different positions. yet i believe that deep down, they have the same interests.

yes, i agree, power, is the driving force here (and well, yes, also a desire to improve the manner of teaching law in the grand manner). but to take sides, and say that one side is more power-hungry than the other…i don’t believe we are in a position to adjudge that. that is why joining in this political feud of sorts is just not our cup of tea. note that a selection process, not an electoral process is involved with the deanship. (of course if this were an electoral process, it might be an altogether different matter)

because that’s precisely it, at the end of the day, it’s the students who will be at the losing end if this feud were to continue (and it will continue if the parties, and even we – students, alumni, who are not really COMPLETELY privy to the issue) don’t allow it to die a natural death. taking sides would just fuel the fires when our appeal is to focus on what matters: the quality of education and policies in the college.

As for the ones who came before us, it wasn’t that they did not do anything as regards the deanship issue…from what I hear, the student body was definitely involved, even divided, taking sides. They say it is insanity to do the same thing and yet expect different results. And that is why we do not wish to tread the same path that was trodden years back during that bitter deanship battle between Dean RCP and popo lotilla. Precisely because we want different results.

so at the end of the day, while we are passionate and are doing something positive and concrete as regards our complaints re: the quality of education in the college (e.g. deanship forum, revitalizing the academic reforms committee, which we have just constituted and will initiate annual dialogue with the faculty in the faculty student conference, bar ops & complimentary initiatives – as i said, many other ways to skin this cat), we choose to be neutral, as regards this political feud. now, those are two different things indeed.

may pakialam kami sa kahihinatnan ng kalidad ng edukasyon sa kolehiyo natin. ayaw sana naming maging mas divisive than it already is itong issue na ‘to. ¬† that is precisely why we are choosing which battle to fight.


3.¬† on a different note, i would like to give Dean Carlota a lot of credit. in the midst of all this, he is the one who is staying silent, being the apolitical person and good example of decency that he is. i could see why my father looked up to him (my dad was his former RA in the late ’70s). such respect has been passed on to the next generation.

…not to be

now it can be told.

last week, i posted hamlet’s soliloquy in my blog for a reason:¬† i had a “to be or not to be” dilemma, myself.¬† without dwelling on the specifics, i prayed and thought about a very tempting offer laid out before me by several different people who were willing to lend me their support.¬† inasmuch as i was very flattered, and i’m actually very thankful that they thought of me as someone viable for something (pardon the vagueness and my “cryptic” language), i realized that, (as my mom told me yesterday when i told her that i am getting tired because i feel like a lot of people want me to do a lot of different things), there is indeed power in saying no.

i am not omnipotent.¬† nor do i have boundless energy (although i used to have this notion that i do have it).¬† although i am a multi-tasker, i could only take on a couple of priorities at the same time.¬† my boundaries dictate that i prioritize my up and coming marriage and academics (bar review).¬† aside from those two, if ever i engage in some other thing, it will be the ministry (not that i want to become a pastor or something…i think i just miss being active in church and serving the Lord through the music ministry).

neither am i getting any younger.¬† at this point in my life (i am already in my late 20s), i think it’s but right for a shift in priorities to take place.¬† yes, doors ought to open…but only those which are directed to a particular end – the ones which i went to law school for.¬† choices ought to be targeted…not off-tangent to the end in mind.

my goal in life has always been to glorify Him…not to amass power and recognition for myself.¬† last sunday’s message made a huge impact on me with the thought that unless the Lord shows me His glory, i will not proceed.¬† thus far, unlike in my past choices to take on certain responsibilities, He has not made any indication in any way that i ought to go for this role.¬† in fact, everytime i think of the decision, i get quite jittery.¬† again, that is so unlike my past choices, wherein despite some amount of fear and nervousness, through His Holy Spirit perhaps, He envelopes me with an overwhelming sense of calm and empowerment that He would enable me to do all things through Christ who always strengthens me.¬†parang walang blessing if i go for this choice…walang annointment.¬† and unless may annointment from the Lord, i refuse to go forth.

and all these reasons are precisely why i’m choosing: not to be.


sad news :(

just learned today that Dr. Pascual, med jur prof, passed away this morning due to heart attack.¬† he was supposed to undergo an andiogram but suddenly had a fatal heart attack.¬† am saddened by the news.¬† he was very patient pa man din with our questions (the class was quite interactive kasi makulit kami).¬† our block was the last class that he was able to teach in UP law.¬† it’s a good thing that he was able to submit grades early on.

may he rest in peace and may God give strength and comfort to the Pascual family.  


reg procedure in UP law

by Reg Com head, edel (thanks dear!):

HI! We just want to inform you that we will be following the registration system last sem (ie. 2 hours per block; not applicable to graduating students). Please be guided accordingly.

Nov. 5 (Monday)- graduating students – may come any time.
Nov. 6 Freshies
             9:00-11:00                        Block A
             10:00-12:00                       Block B
             1:00-3:00                         Block C
             2:00-4:00                         Block D
             anytime from 9-12 & 1-5           Block E
Nov. 7 Juniors and 4E
             9:00-11:00                        Block A

             10:00-12:00                       Block B
             1:00-3:00                         Block C
             anytime from 9-12 & 1-5           Block E
Nov. 8 Sophomores


 Block A

             10:00-12:00                  Block B
             1:00-3:00                    Block C
             2:00- 4:00                   Block D
             anytime from 9-12 & 1-5      Block E
***NOv. 9 start of classes
VENUE: Sarmiento Room- Rm 127
              STEP 1.  Get Form 5A  and LSG survey (as per LSG, they need feedback re their services last sem,pls ans  ha!=) ) 

           STEP 2.   Check if You want to Enlist in more classes or cancel enlisted classes if :

 YES (real time enlistment):

1. Submit enlistment request through the CRS for the daily batch runs on

Nov. 5‚Äď9, 2007 (see schedule based on student no. and status)

2. Enlist in real-time at the department/unit offering the desired class

through the electronic Teacher‚Äôs Prerogative on Nov. 12‚Äď16, 2007 if

your enlistment requests during the daily batch runs were not granted.

3. Cancellation of classes should be done online through the CRS.

Then follow steps 3 to 7.

NO: proceed with steps 3 to 7.



Fill out Form 5;Have your Form 5A &Form 5 signed by your adviser.

STEP 4: Have your Form 5A & Form 5 electronically validated

by the Checker.

STEP 5: Have your Form 5 signed by the Library Staff. + pay LSG fees & submit the completed survey

STEP 6: assessment


Please help spread this information. Thanx!


drowning in a sea of responsibilities

i’d gladly trade places with people on vacation or who have very few responsibilities right now.¬† because i never learn, once more, i have bitten more than i could chew.¬† only this time, some responsibilities on my shoulders are not by choice.¬† nagkataon lang talaga.¬† like nagkataon na panganay kasi ako.¬† nagkataon na hindi kasi kami mayaman.¬† i even try to shun away from responsibility na.¬† but they seem to hound me pa rin.¬† i just want to rest lang naman.¬† kahit for a while lang.¬† that’s all.¬† anu-ano bang responsibilities ‘to?

1.¬† as a law student – malapit na ang finals week.¬† i’m starting to get praning.¬† i don’t know how i’m gonna study for civpro and the other subjects.¬†¬†to think di ko pa man din masyado inaaral yung iba (lalo na yung project development!).¬† but kahit na harrassing, i enjoy being a law student.¬† in general, masaya na ako ngayon sa law school.

2.  as lsg president Рito, carry naman.  breather nga eh.  a responsibility i enjoy.

3.¬† as block president – gusto ko nang bitiwan pero ayaw pumayag ng blockmates ko.¬† ūüė¶¬† anyway, di naman masyadong matrabaho nor draining.¬† mahirap lang ang scheduling ng exams and joint class/exam sessions.

4.¬† as an employee –¬†nuff said

i hate my job!¬† (ironically, even though i seem to have a natural flair for it, i don’t like sales! (i don’t like being the customer’s slave!)¬†)¬†¬†the job is¬†such a chore for me!¬† oo, flexi-time pa rin.¬† but they want me to handle an account na.¬† tapos yung account, nasa antipolo pa! and available lang yung owner makipag-usap every 2pm.¬† ang launch target namin, 2nd week of april…and finals week is coming up!¬†¬†i spoke to the managing director to bargain sana for a different responsibility pero ayaw alisin sa akin ito.¬† ilang beses na akong nag-plead na kung pwede sales support lang ako due to my situation as a law student, but no…parang my pleas fall on deaf ears.¬† at ngayon, after having resigned and retracted such resignation, wala na akong bargaining position so to speak.¬† lost all leverage to negotiate.

medyo gone sour din ang relationships ko with people at work.¬† halatang-halata ko ang disappointment nila sa akin at hindi ko ito ma-take.¬† hindi ko sila masisisi.¬† marami akong limitations sa schedule.¬† sometimes, may petty error ang sina-submit kong work dahil sa pagmamadali.¬† (though isip ko, kung magaling lang ang pinag-s-submit-an ko ng excel files, kadali namang i-correct ng slight error na yon!)¬† and medyo mainit ulo ko if they bring me in sa mga meetings na wala naman pala talaga akong papel (aksaya sa oras!¬† when i could be studying sana)¬† tsaka¬†kapag dapat akong mag-aral kaya nananahimik lang ako para magbasa tapos tinatanong ako nang kung anu-ano na di naman ganun ka-relevant sa work, medyo irritated ako.¬† di ko na rin ako marunong mag-handle ng objections especially when i think i have a better idea (i know, this is bad).¬† and i’m so transparent that it shows.¬† actually, itong people aspect ng job ang di ko na ma-take.¬† feeling ko, i’ve done so many things wrong.¬† di na na-r-redeem ng charms ko ang pagka-dismaya nila sa akin.¬†¬†at wala na rin akong ganang gawin yon.

at may nakapagsabi sa kin na¬†tinitignan nila ang blog ko ha, for any entries which may be demotivating to co-workers…how mean, sobrang bad faith naman yon of them.¬† kaya lalong ayaw ko na dun.¬† unfortunately, i earn a substantial amount from that job.¬† enough for me to pay for my grandma’s caregiver and tend for my own needs.¬† kaya ayaw ng mom ko na mag-resign ako dun.¬† pero di ko na ma-take eh.¬† so ngayon, maghahahanap na ako ng alternatives.

5.  as an RA of danicon Рmaliit lang ang kita dito.  medyo may backlog ako sa work.  ito ang isa sa mga alternatives na sinasabi ko.

6.¬† as the first-born in our family – nag-resign ang caregiver ng lola ko.¬† yung kapalit said she can’t handle the job naman.¬† ngayon, kelangan na naman problemahin ito.¬† binato ko na kay mommy.¬† ayoko i-handle.¬† utusan na lang nya ako.¬† pero sana maisip nya na malapit na ang finals week namin.

7.  as a church choir member Рdi na ako nakaka-attend ng church choir

8.  as a girlfriend Рdi naman demanding si mike.  ok ang takbo ng relationship namin.  so this is a responsibility i enjoy.

9.¬† as a portian – buti pahinga ngayon.¬† ūüôā¬† tsaka hindi na ako officer, that’s a relief.¬† thank God, i know alam ng sisses na i’m swamped.¬† besides, ang daming sisses na magagagaling at mas dapat mabigyan ng chance na mag-serve sa sorority as part of the EB.

haaaay naku.¬† ayoko na.¬† pa’no ba ‘to.¬† but i can’t give up, can i?¬†¬† haaaay, please pray for me.¬† i so need moral support (financial support is welcome too)

(IMPORTANT!¬† reminder sa sarili:¬† i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…i just have to do my part and He’ll do His…everything happens for a reason; God works for the good of those who love Him and who work according to His purpose; He only has plans to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future.¬† He gives wisdom to all without finding fault)


things that drop (fall, nahuhulog o bumabagsak)

eventful day…grabe. here are some of the things that happened:

1. i decided to DROP civpro. yup, final answer na. kanina, i filled out na the dropping form, with my friend & blockmate, len. when we were about to have it signed kay ma’am avena, guess what happened…

2. ma’am avena FELL DOWN the stairs. yup, totoo. nagkagalos tuloy sya sa legs, so huge that they even had to stitch the wounds up in infirmary. sayang, maganda pa man din legs nya (uyyy ha, hindi ako tibo. unlike…). naisip ko nga, naku, is this a sign ba or what? baka ayaw kaming ipag-drop ni len…hahaha. but nah, maluwag na rin naman sa kalooban ko ang consequences nitong pag-dr-drop na ito. anyways, going back to ma’am avena, dinalhan pa namin sya ng crinkles from our block sa infirmary. tuwa naman ako that she appreciated the gesture. some of our blockmates said wag na lang daw dalhin kasi parang sucking up to her eh. but i didn’t care. what do i care? i’m dropping anyway.

3. parang HULOG ng langit, lumabas na ang property grades namin today. for the first time, barry failed no one. i got a 2.25. ok na rin. actually, surprisingly, taas ng grades ko last sem compared to the past sems. kala ko pa man din mahirap na sem yon. lowest grade ko yon actually, along with insurance and crim pro. sayang kasi di talaga ako magaling sa written exams. i only got a 2.75 sa finals eh 60% pa man din yon ng grade. kung na-maintain ko lang sana ang recit standing ko, where i got a 1.5-1.75. kelan kaya ako gagaling sa written exams? baka i should enroll in some legal writing clinic.

4. at mas malaking HULOG ng langit…my relationship with mike. one month na kami tomorrow!!! this has been the happiest, giddiest month (actually 2 months coz it all started when we met) of my life thus far. i’m really thankful for him. i love the way he loves me and takes care of me. (in fairness, i try my best to take care of him in my own way too) everyday, i find out something new about him that makes me love him more. i’m looking forward to more days, months, years with him…God willing. syempre hirap naman to play God and say na “yeah, for sure, we’ll end up na talaga with each other”. pero sana, di ba? rly do hope this ish it na. happy ako kasi aside from the two of us na masaya with each other, other people are also saying na bagay raw kami. sabi nila, nagkakamukha na raw kami. huh? can’t see the resemblance as of now but ok lang. sa paningin ko naman, my dearest is the cutest guy in the world (ok, i’ll stop na, i know you’ll find me getting mushier & mushier by the minute)

5. last na. speaking of fall, grabe, BAGSAK ako sa pagod today. we campaigned in 3 blocks, sunod-sunod. non-stop talking with the spiel, “i’m lorybeth baldrias from 2B, i’m running for VP because i’m willing. willing to be subject to the stresses of handling the bar ops once more, this time a notch higher than before. willing to be the slave of the bar reviewees. willing to be your slave. i’m running, as well, because i believe i’m capable. i won’t tell you na my accomplishments, work experience and co-curricular involvement because they’re all here in my brochure. i hope you’ll read it more so you’ll know why you GOTTA LOBIT. but for now i just wanna walk you through my GPOA. basically the job of a VP consists of…blah, blah, blah….thank you so much, come feb 16, please don’t vote for abstain. for the sake of the bar operations, you GOTTA LOBIT, because in law, every bit counts.”

ganito pala ang campaign period sa UP law. i mean, i’ve been through an election campaign na rin before but this is more tiring. dati naman kasi, walang room to room when i ran for JPIA president nung undergrad. tsaka dati, kilala ka ng mga tao kasi isang org lang kayo eh. dito, a candidate really has to make one’s self known. i admit, mas masakit yung mga intriga dati. although ngayon, meron pa ring mga things na na-bl-blow out of proportion, esp kapag di talaga kayo nagkakausap straight out, kapag nagpapaniwala lang sa mga hearsay. kaya na-realize ko, dapat talaga, if you have an issue with someone, kausapin mo in person. wag nang patagalin pa. and i’m glad i did just that sa mga ibang tao. syempre, ang sad dito, lahat ng bagay, kahit things done in seeming good faith, nakukulayan ng pulitika. sorry na lang ang mga gaya kong may naivete talagang taglay. kaya kung may mga nasaktan man sa isang bagay na nagawa ko, paumanhin. sorry. sana magka-usap-usap kami nung mga taong yon nang matino soon. at sana ma-realize nila na kahit na yeah, it was mighty naive of me, there was no bad faith on my part at ginawan kaagad ng paraan nung napa-realize sa kin ang implication nung bagay na yon. ang cryptic ba? i know kung mababasa ito ng mga taong nakakaunawa, getz na nila ito. haaaay, i really want this campaign period to be over na. naapektuhan ang mga friendships eh. para pa man din sa kin, sobrang important ng friendship. (di ba obvious, dami kong friends sa friendster? hehe). tsaka totoo palang hirap mag-concentrate sa acads pag ganito.

at ngayon, speaking of acads, para naman hindi ako BUMAGSAK sa IPL at partnership, parang kelangan ko na yata mag-aral. after mike’s phone call (w/c i’m awaiting) & some rest siguro (coz i’m so damn tired). so there. this ish it for now!